Jokes

[John Collins]

Brilliant! I love it!

Jc

[Furcurequs]

Hey! That hits a little too close to home!

I live alone in a cabin in a valley near the Appalachian mountains myself. I do have some neighbors, however, but I'm still not sure I'd call it civilization.

Anyway, I don't think I'll ever be quite that lonely. If worse comes to worse, though, maybe I'll just track down that young woman who offered herself to me a few weeks ago when I gave her a ride across town. I dropped her off over there in what they call "stump town".

She asked if I was single, and when I said "yes", she said she was "single, too, and ready to party!" A little later she was more explicit, but she also hinted that she could use a little money. Since she mentioned being ready to party first, though, I'd like to believe I'm just irresistible.

Speaking of which, maybe I should at least lock my door.

...lol

Dwayne

[Art]

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Her name wasn't qus was it ? : ) : )



.

[nicbordeaux]

An bull elephant in the jungle get's a thorn in his foot, real painful. A monkey up a tree calls out to the elephant and offers to remove the thorn with his nimble little fingers, on the condition that afterwards he has his way with the elephant. The elephant gets really upset about this and starts charging the tree and shaking it about. The monkey laughs and says "You'll be back in a few days and I'll have my way". The elphant charges off. A few days later, the thorn wound becomes infected and the animal is in utter agony. He comes back to humbly ask the monkey, who climbs down the tree, reminding the elephant of the price to be paid. In spite of his best efforts, the monkey can't get the thorn out, and the elphant subsides into tears. A little mouse squeaks "hey Elephant, with my little teeth I can get that thorn out in no time, but my price is the same as the monkey". The elephant accepts, he's so desperate. The mouse has no trouble removing the thorn, then as agreed, he get's his way. he clims onto a branch, then a leaf, and starts having his way with the elephant. The monkey is furious and hurls a coconut onto the elphant's head. "Arrgghhh, ooohhhhhh" screams the elephant in pain.

"I'm sorry darling, am I hurting you ?" asks the mouse.

[Furcurequs]

.



Her name wasn't qus was it ? : ) : )



.

HEY! I finally figured out what you were saying!

(Ok, I admit it. I may be a little slow.)

She was NOT my cousin, though! Wait... ...well... ...I don't think she was. I supposedly do have lots and lots of cousins, however, even to include many I really don't know.

...hmmm...

If I get desperate, do you think I should ask her? ...or would it be best not knowing? ...lol

Anyway, I'll have you know I actually had to go back several generations to find a looped branch in my family tree! At least a couple of "greats". It was in that Houston side! The one rumored to be related to that Texan Sam Houston. So, there you go.

Oh, a few years back I did have something of an online romance with a young woman from the middle east. She said that her parents actually were first cousins. I thought I was going to be able to rescue her from all that, too, when she ran off with me, but then she changed her mind. Spoiled rich girl!

Now, if I were to get my gravity propelled motor working, I wouldn't put her oil rich ruling family out of business out of spite.

If it were to actually happen, it would just be Karma, right? (Spoiled rich inbred teases!)

...lol

Eh, I really did have a thing for her, I must admit.

Take care.

Dwayne

[rlortie]

THE PREACHER'S FALSE TEETH

A Preacher goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first
Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following
Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob the elder preacher to get him down
from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Preacher explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so badly he
couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums
hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But the third Sunday,
he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[Wubbly]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[rlortie]

http://vimeo.com/61275290

[jim_mich]

That's a good one. I cannot stop laughing.

[eccentrically1]

New Element Discovered!....Governmentium (Gv)

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

· Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

· A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

· Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

· In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

· This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical da-mass on a gravimetric scale.

· When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

[rlortie]

Paper is not dead!

http://vimeo.com/61275290

[justsomeone]

Short term memory loss anyone?

[rlortie]

Yup! Short term memory loss for sure! To much wheel building on my mind. You had me worried so I took the following test, and past.

****MOVING PUZZLE****

If you can put this puzzle together. You can say goodbye to Alzheimer's!

This is really clever and a bit challenging. As we older people are concerned with Alzheimer's disease, this puzzle may help dispel some fear.

It's easy to put together if you are not affected by Alzheimer's disease, but impossible to do for someone with the disease.

Give it a try. If this puzzle is particularly difficult for you, then your physician can offer you additional testing to check you for Alzheimer's.

Just remember, if you can put this puzzle together you do not have to fear Alzheimer's! A really neat puzzle!!

http://www.brl.ntt.co.jp/people/hara/fly.swf

[rlortie]

DP

[murilo]

Clap, clap, clap on me!
Not that hard!
I would be like to be sure about that mad German curse... 8x
(very close cases on family. 8(((
Thanx, Ralph!