Jokes

[Art]

New Element Discovered!....Governmentium (Gv)

The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

· Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

· A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction normally taking less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.

· Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

· In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

· This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical da-mass on a gravimetric scale.

· When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.

. It is now thought by some scientists that the complete absence of electrons and protons (the actual detectable working forces in normal matter ) which causes Governmentium (Gv) to be inert also indicates that it may be a large part of Dark Matter which is estimated to be about 70 % of the total mass of the Universe. It also appears likely that Dark Energy may be a fictitious Energy produced by the morons and isodopes.

[rasselasss]

A man from Cork,on his way to play a round of Golf at a Golf course whilst driving his Rolls Royce stopped at a shop to buy a newspaper,getting out of the car he dropped a Golf Tee,a young lad who was outside the shop rushed over ,lifted it and gave it to him,after giving the boy a £1 for his kind act,the boy asked him "whats that used for",to which he replied,"thats for resting your balls on before you drive off",and the young lad said,"Be Jesus,they think of everything in them big motor cars"

[rlortie]

Number :10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Do you think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir . . ... . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . ... We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .
An old favorite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . ..

He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .

Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . .. .. ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club." The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .

Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end.�

[Wubbly]

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling very sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Papa, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried. Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

The next day the old man received another letter from his son: Dear Papa, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Vinnie.

[murilo]

Four Jews that came to change the world:

Jesus said: everything is LOVE. 8)))
Marx said: everything is MONEY. 8]]]
Freud said: everything is SEX. 8]]]
Einstein said: everything is RELATIVE... 8(

[jim_mich]

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why
the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

[Fletcher]

The NZ corporation is simply strategic future planning Jim.

As you know Australia is an Island just off the coast of New Zealand & so the two cultures are closely related in many ways, but also different - in fact citizens of each can travel easily between countries without visas etc.

Unfortunately, many amorous Aussie males cross the ditch to try their luck with the local kiwi gals & regularly strike out leaving some frustration & raised testosterone levels - the only recourse seems to be more beer which we gladly sell them - this leads to the expressions "the Aussie has his beer goggles on" & "you'd better lock up anything able to wear lipstick" - this happy confluence of needs & wants was a potential market not fully appreciated or exploited until first identified by the NZ Corporation, whilst simultaneously diverting amorous intent from their daughters.

After all even a drunk Aussie presumably wouldn't pay more for an ugly one, with or without lip stick.

[murilo]

Oh, those poor little cows... 8(
I just can guess what they have to do in face this hard life... 8(
The good new is that ( to those at the other side of channel ) our ovyyus, as recent mentioned, looks to have connections with Priscilla in the desert.... 8]

[murilo]

Not fair!

Fact is that the 2 COWS scenario has not been described down in Brazil! 8(

Here the cows are socially on TOP, 100% sociopath and politicians!

Both are Senators and officially cost US$ 1 million/month and have at least a personal gang of 2000 other people around, as relatives, neighbors, lovers, allies, etc...

Both quadrupeds are working as Ministers of Whatever and are very busy during 3 days/week/max., if not licensed.

One of them is from LEFT and the other is a Pastor from some new generic church.

They are not alphabetize but they have the gift of the 'easy speaking'.

From the bottom, under their feet, I can hear a wick voice from near by: 'mom... mom... mom... what are we??... Poo? Pi? ( xixi and coco.8]

(sometimes I'm a little provocative.)

[rlortie]

Cows: isn't that a creature described as follows:

Four stander uppers
Four hanger downers
Two hookers
Two lookers
And one swisher.

[jim_mich]

That is just utter nonsense!

[Tarsier79]

Agreed, I believe it should read:

New Zealand: You have two cows, but the sheep in the next paddock look so attractive, you swap your two cows for the sheep and put on your gumboots;)

[Furcurequs]

With a surname of Shepherd, I suppose I can't be too critical of people who prefer sheep.

...lol

Dwayne

[Art]

.

A chicken is a noble animal,

But a cow is more forlorner,

Outstanding in its field ,

With a leg at every corner .

.

[Furcurequs]

I decided to put this here because I found it somewhat amusing, though it may be no joke and maybe not so amusing for some of the parties involved.

A friend of mine told me his cousin is now rumored to be living in a remote part of Alaska - where he's possibly hiding out from the law. ...for last anyone knew of him, he was apparently running from the law in a stolen beer truck full of beer while driving through a blizzard on his way to escaping into Canada.

He's living the dream, man!

An absolutely beautiful natural environment, a cold climate to keep your tanker truck full of beer cold and, I would hope, even a nice Eskimo woman to keep you warm at night!

Now, I've not confirmed any of this, so my friend could have been "embellishing" the story a bit himself, one might say. ...and I would even say, I've known him to do that before.

...but... ...in this particular case the individual in question was indeed an over the road trucker who, I would have to say, has had a history of "really liking his alcohol" and has even spent some serious time in prison.

...hmmm...

Well, we all have both our dreams and our personal problems to deal with, I guess.

...lol

Dwayne