Ralph
Not just being a senior citizen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1prn8Urmmo
Jokes
Moderator: scott
-
rasselasss
- Aficionado
- Posts: 919
- Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:19 pm
- Location: northern ireland
re: Jokes
Every time my wife wants money,she calls me handsome....its true...she says...hand some money over..
-
justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2098
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
When you order your food at a fast food place and they ask for your name, tell them it's hard to spell and start slowly spelling it for them, two letters at a time. HE.....YS.....EX....Y.
Just make sure the one calling out your name when your food is ready is a member of the opposite sex! :)
Just make sure the one calling out your name when your food is ready is a member of the opposite sex! :)
. I can assure the reader that there is something special behind the stork's bills.
re: Jokes
SHORT AND SWEET AND A WEE BIT FUNNY
Deathbed
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 son s. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Louie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"
Deathbed
Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 son s. "So", he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
"Louie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hardworking man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"
re: Jokes
Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Scotland.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.
She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
re: Jokes
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A2 in Kent recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
re: Jokes
terryble joke! B]
re: Jokes
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh, no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh, no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
Re: re: Jokes
THAT is funnily "cah"ntageous!terry5732 wrote:The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A2 in Kent recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars. The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck".
"Orffyreus commented that when the secret is revealed, he is afraid that people will complain that the idea is so simple it is not worth the asking price."
-
rasselasss
- Aficionado
- Posts: 919
- Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 7:19 pm
- Location: northern ireland
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we
started learning to cuss. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we
started learning to cuss. The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say
something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old
agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit,slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"