Jokes

[rlortie]

Subject: It "Depends"

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers, � while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper them.

When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

[rlortie]

A guy goes into Canada Post to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[silverfox]

That joke my good Ralph was probably what prompted the right-wing nut-bars presently running Canada to put an end all home deliveries of mail right across their country and replace Canadians' trusty mailman with a stack of outdoor mailboxes at the end of every block or some such nonsense.

Not particularly good news for at least 8,000 Canada Post workers and old folks or the disabled that have enough trouble getting around inside their homes, never mind traipsing around outside in the kind of lovely winter weather Canadians typically get, as I'm sure you can imagine. Going to get the mail? Better take the shovel dear, just in case. LOL

I'd certainly love to know who's going to get the contract to fabricate all those nice little key-lock boxes for twenty million households or more like reap all the profits and a hefty commission while the Chinese do but I have no trouble knowing what their politics, social attitudes, or what political party they no doubt generously supported to get a nice little plum like that dropped straight into their laps.

It's all in the name of "saving money" that of course entails spending way more right now and jacking-up the cost to Canadians for a greatly reduced mail service for a long, long time to help pay for it now, naturally, and after which it will of course never actually go down.

Most jokes usually range from good to bad but when they're played on an entire country the only category to file them under is "Cruel & Heartless", just like the miserable miscreants who play them with a duplicate filed in old "Dumb as Donuts" when it comes to those they get played on.

[rlortie]

silverfox,

I know where you are coming from!

I live in a small town that requires me to pay $48.00 per year for a post office box located on the other end of town, there is no rural delivery. Yet those located just outside the city limits can stick up a weather proof container at the end of their drive or walkway, within arms reach of a drive-by postman and pay nothing.

Now a little "pun" for pequaide and daxwic's latest posts.

My association with various females, before and between marriage has convinced me that "size does matter" it need not be tested in a laboratory using sensor gates!

[nicbordeaux]

Ralph, that could possibly qualify as adding insult to injury.

[nicbordeaux]

Silverfox, I agree. The nutcases running every country in the world almost are looking for immediate profit, via less spending on anything but their own interests. They are also every one of them corrupt. My area has had a mad idea whereby garbage is only allowed 9 times a year. It used to be a weekly pickup. So now we ram our new barcoded and electo-chipped rubbish bins with a long, heavy log until all the maggots and the refuse are compacted to the density of depleted uranium. The dustment all have bad backs, the smell is terrible, and people are disposing of their rubbish in the woods, like they did in the good old days before collection of refuse existed.

[nicbordeaux]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
So, he says to them:
"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."
"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the
banks of the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have
accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the arsehole had a paper round!"

[nicbordeaux]

Voted best Autralian joke (don't take offense please, the joke is intened to be stupid, and plays on a set of cliches, like most jokes)


A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers,
the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news,
but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.�

“Well,� says the bloke, “I guess I'd better have the bad news first.�

The Sarge says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying
at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.�

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized
lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.�

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

“Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that ... so, what's the other possible good news?�

“Well,� the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock
and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.�

[Fletcher]

Warning: save this one for your male friends & after lots of alcohol.


A pedafile & a boy walk into the woods at night.

The boy looks at the pedafile & says "I'm scared".

"Your scared", says the pedafile. "I've got to walk out of here alone".

[rlortie]

Here's a testimony to true friendship..

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30
after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and
listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are
not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for??"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[rasselasss]

I went to the front door after the door bell rang and a young man asked me .."Can i have your daughter...for my wife"..i replied .."I'm not sure..bring her in and lets have a look at her".

[TGM]

Here's a testimony to true friendship...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30
after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and
listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are
not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking
tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

This is hilarious! AND so true!

[Mark]

Thanks, Ralph, for piquing my interest and making me do an internet search.

http://www.threaded.com/engineers_song.htm

[jim_mich]

Spanish Oysters
An Australian stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Madrid.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'
The waiter replied, 'Si Senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning.
A delicacy!'

The Australian said, 'I will have the same please.'
The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.
If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
The following day he returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

[justalabrat]

'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

eew! LOL, that took a little while before it hit me!