Jokes

[Fletcher]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied "There is no water, the well is dry, would you like to buy a tie instead? - They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over- priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess - it has all the ice cold water you need, Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ... "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie"!

[nicbordeaux]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven
knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards
cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
all the cider and hidden the liquor..

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it
broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had
eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day?
I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

[jim_mich]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.�

“Now give me back my dog.�

[jim_mich]

I just realized I'm not really 68 years old !!!
I'm only 39 years old, plus shipping and handling.

[Art]

.


Wise Old Indian saying : -


" If horse is dead , don't wait couple of more days to get off "

[daanopperman]

3 Old men were walking in the park when one said

It is the worst time of life to be 60 yrs old , you want to pee all day long and nothing happens .

No said the second man ,

When you reach 70 , it is the worst time of life , you feel you have to go , but even spending the whole day on the throne , there is no bowel movement

No said the 3rd man , 80 is definately the worst time .

The first man ask , Do you also battle to wee ?

No siad the 80yr old , I pee like a elephant every morning at 6 o clock .

The second man ask's , Do you also suffer from a loss of bowel movement ?

No said the 80 yr old , I go freely every morning at 6.30 sharp .

Then what is so bad to be 80 yrs old , the 2 ask the old man .

I wake up at 7-00 every morning .

[AB Hammer]

Adam was talking to God and asked.

Why did you make Eve so pretty? God said, so you would like her.

Why did you make Eve shaped the way you did? God, said so you would like her.

But God? Why did you make her so dumb? God said, so she would like you.



_____________________________________________________


This was a joke from many years back and I thought you all would like it despite not being P.C.

[Mark]

Belief: Blurring the line between opinion and fact.
Especially when one's theory "is just so obviously correct".

https://youtu.be/hBayzOS2kbk?t=78

[WaltzCee]

This isn't going to be a popular one, but do you know why midwives slap newborn's asses?

They knock the peckers off the stupid ones.

Told you it wasn't going to be too popular. Am I a prophet or what?

<edit> by the way, this isn't an original joke. Someone shared this one with me. I do have original ones but I need to think about them and try and remember them. </edit>

[WaltzCee]

In the beginning, God made the heavens and the earth.

Then He rested.

Then He made man.

And again He rested.

Then He made woman.

Since then neither God nor man has rested.

:)

[Art]

I heared a Jewish comedian define a Schlemiel as : -

" a person who , when they leave a room gives the feeling to those left in the room that someone interesting has just come in ! "

I think there are a couple of Schlemiels in this forum !

(P.S - not referring to anyone posting in this thread ! : )

[Wubbly]

...

[AB Hammer]

Wubbly

I think it would be a good idea to let him check out at the wal-mart first. LOL

[WaltzCee]

I heared a Jewish comedian define a Schlemiel as : -

" a person who , when they leave a room gives the feeling to those left in the room that someone interesting has just come in ! "

I think there are a couple of Schlemiels in this forum !

(P.S - not referring to anyone posting in this thread ! : )

You know when some are lying? When they smack their querty!

(P.S - not referring to anyone posting in this thread ! : )

[Art]

.

My first experience of aural sex took place on April 1st evening many years ago when my partner spent hours talking about sex , - and I just lay there listening .

I finally drifted off to sleep .

Its highly over-rated ! : )