Jokes

[agor95]

No truer word is said in jest, even when that is in a Graphics Novel.

cheers

[bluesgtr44]

Came across this old gem a couple of days ago. Still as funny as it was back then. Thought I would just share this with you folks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGMkEfuWZHM

[Art]

.


My Deck has been screwed , and it is still holding up .

[agor95]

My Deck is solid and can take a lot of pounding.

When you are taking dynamic loads, weighing down
on your Deck, you have to fill it with rocks.

Also hold the rocks in place with cement.

[Senax]

I think universal lockdown is a good time to repost this one. 😀

Subject: The Doctor Is In....

Doctor Wang Woo Joo MD

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'




AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[agor95]

racer270 is under the impression that Americans speak English :)

Cheers

[Senax]

Heaven:

The police are British
The cooks are French
The engineers are German
The administrators are Swiss
The lovers are Italian

Hell:

The police are German
The cooks are British
The engineers are Italian
The administrators are French
The lovers are Swiss

[agor95]

And the people who can not stay on topic are from Harlow. :)

[Fletcher]

This is the first year I haven't taken a vacation in Hawaii because of Covid-19.

All the other years were because I couldn't afford it.

[daanopperman]

Greetings to all .

Three strangers , Mike , Kallie and van ( like in "van der Merwe ") meet by chance in a pub and was chatting the time away when van said he was having a ball but have to go as his wife told him to be home for supper . Kallie also started to make haste for he was in the same boat .

Mike told them to relax , take matters into their own hands and stand up to this domination .

This is what you do tonight , Mike said . "When you get home late , don't give her time to speak a word , attack her with strong words , tell her that from now on there are gonna be some changes around here , you will not tolerate any opposition to your actions , you will come and go as you please , when and where , for how long you ever desire . You will notice , the first week there will be no change , the second week she will start to accommodate this new rules , and by the end of the third week she will totally have excepted your new won freedom " .

So about 3 months later the same three met at the pub once again .

The first thing Mike wanted to hear from the other 2 is of coarse how did it go with the new found freedom .

Kalie was full of praises and declare this new freedom as Heavenly .
"It was just as you said , the first week I could see no change , the second week there was a slight shift in the atmosphere , and by the 3 rd week she was like a puppy eating out of my hand ".

So they asked van how did it go for him .

He said no , it was like you said , the first week there was no change ..........
the second week there was still no change ................ by the end of the 3rd week I could see a LITTLE bit out of the corner of my left eye .

[daanopperman]

Greetings to all .

Three strangers , Mike , Kallie and van ( like in "van der Merwe ") meet by chance in a pub and was chatting the time away when van said he was having a ball but have to go as his wife told him to be home for supper . Kallie also started to make haste for he was in the same boat .

Mike told them to relax , take matters into their own hands and stand up to this domination .

This is what you do tonight , Mike said . "When you get home late , don't give her time to speak a word , attack her with strong words , tell her that from now on there are gonna be some changes around here , you will not tolerate any opposition to your actions , you will come and go as you please , when and where , for how long you ever desire . You will notice , the first week there will be no change , the second week she will start to accommodate this new rules , and by the end of the third week she will totally have excepted your new won freedom " .

So about 3 months later the same three met at the pub once again .

The first thing Mike wanted to hear from the other 2 is of coarse how did it go with the new found freedom .

Kalie was full of praises and declare this new freedom as Heavenly .
"It was just as you said , the first week I could see no change , the second week there was a slight shift in the atmosphere , and by the 3 rd week she was like a puppy eating out of my hand ".

So they asked van how did it go for him .

He said no , it was like you said , the first week there was no change ..........
the second week there was still no change ................ by the end of the 3rd week I could see a LITTLE bit out of the corner of my left eye .

[daanopperman]

Greetings to all .

Three strangers , Mike , Kallie and van ( like in "van der Merwe ") meet by chance in a pub and was chatting the time away when van said he was having a ball but have to go as his wife told him to be home for supper . Kallie also started to make haste for he was in the same boat .

Mike told them to relax , take matters into their own hands and stand up to this domination .

This is what you do tonight , Mike said . "When you get home late , don't give her time to speak a word , attack her with strong words , tell her that from now on there are gonna be some changes around here , you will not tolerate any opposition to your actions , you will come and go as you please , when and where , for how long you ever desire . You will notice , the first week there will be no change , the second week she will start to accommodate this new rules , and by the end of the third week she will totally have excepted your new won freedom " .

So about 3 months later the same three met at the pub once again .

The first thing Mike wanted to hear from the other 2 is of coarse how did it go with the new found freedom .

Kalie was full of praises and declare this new freedom as Heavenly .
"It was just as you said , the first week I could see no change , the second week there was a slight shift in the atmosphere , and by the 3 rd week she was like a puppy eating out of my hand ".

So they asked van how did it go for him .

He said no , it was like you said , the first week there was no change ..........
the second week there was still no change ................ by the end of the 3rd week I could see a LITTLE bit out of the corner of my left eye .

[daanopperman]

sorry guy's , Im still suffering from this restless finger syndrome , by the time I got to the delete pimple the thing was sent 3 times over .

[Fletcher]

I laughed each time ;7)

[gravitationallychallenged]

A friend mentioned this comedy routine to me years ago and I finally got around to looking it up on You Tube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tI4c21w77JU