I once attempted to figure out how bra sizes were determined and came to the conclusion that one needs to be a rocket scientist to do it! One woman confidentially told me that even most women do not understand it, but just keep trying on different sizes until they find one that fits comfortably...
ken
Jokes
Moderator: scott
-
ken_behrendt
- Addict
- Posts: 3487
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 7:45 am
- Location: new jersey, usa
- Contact:
re: Jokes
On 7/6/06, I found, in any overbalanced gravity wheel with rotation rate, ω, axle to CG distance d, and CG dip angle φ, the average vertical velocity of its drive weights is downward and given by:
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ
re: Jokes
RAISIN BREAD
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread
please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as
he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As
the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own
loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip
up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just
to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really
going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop
the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at
her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a
quiverin'."
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very
short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store,
glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the
counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread
please," the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin
bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing
almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as
he surmised he would. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As
the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male
customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own
loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip
up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male
customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just
to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really
going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop
the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at
her.
Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too? "No," stammers the old man, "but it's a
quiverin'."
re: Jokes
Three little ducks
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
re: Jokes
Schwarzenegger / Hillary
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed the
Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said,
"If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear,
"And if you were my wife I would drink it"
Senator Hillary Clinton was attending a party, when she noticed the
Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
She walked over to him, and in a quiet voice said,
"If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
Schwarzenegger smiled, leaned forward, and whispered in her ear,
"And if you were my wife I would drink it"
re: Jokes
I can't beleive you guys never heard this one before:
Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.
If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just skip the toast and butter the cats.
Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t
where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t indicates the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.
Therefore, the monorail system should be powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Perpetual Motion
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground.
If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just skip the toast and butter the cats.
Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t
where p is the probability of carpet impact s is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet.
Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t indicates the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of p being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a p value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet. Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air.
Therefore, the monorail system should be powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.
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AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
everyone's heard of the buttered cat. I've tried it and the cat always wins.
Gene
Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
re: Jokes
the prize
Down on the chicken farm, Abe wanted to know which of his three cocks was
doing its duty most efficiently. He spent a lot of time watching and taking
notes as the cocks mounted the pullets, and then he had an idea : he
tied a small bell around the neck of each rooster. Each bell had a
different sound. All the then had to do was to sit on the veranda and
listen to the high, medium and lower note of the bell to know which rooster
was the most active.
After a week of taking notes, Abe found that Brewster the Rooster didnÂ’t
seem to be doing anything at all, whereas the other two, by the sound of it
were doing well. He decided to check out the problem.
To his astonishment, he found that the pullets had learned that the sound
of the bell meant the arrival of a rooster and scurried away from the other
two, who thus spent more time chasing than doing the job. However, Brewster
was carrying the bell in his beak and deadening the sound; this allowed him
to creep up on unsuspecting pullets and do his stuff many time a day.
The story was passed on by friends and neighbours and eventually reached
the office of a large newspaper. From there it was merely a matter of time
before BrewsterÂ’s genius would be recognised. And so it was, he received
the No-Bell prize and, shortly afterwards, he was awarded the
Pullet-Surprise.
Gary Mason
Down on the chicken farm, Abe wanted to know which of his three cocks was
doing its duty most efficiently. He spent a lot of time watching and taking
notes as the cocks mounted the pullets, and then he had an idea : he
tied a small bell around the neck of each rooster. Each bell had a
different sound. All the then had to do was to sit on the veranda and
listen to the high, medium and lower note of the bell to know which rooster
was the most active.
After a week of taking notes, Abe found that Brewster the Rooster didnÂ’t
seem to be doing anything at all, whereas the other two, by the sound of it
were doing well. He decided to check out the problem.
To his astonishment, he found that the pullets had learned that the sound
of the bell meant the arrival of a rooster and scurried away from the other
two, who thus spent more time chasing than doing the job. However, Brewster
was carrying the bell in his beak and deadening the sound; this allowed him
to creep up on unsuspecting pullets and do his stuff many time a day.
The story was passed on by friends and neighbours and eventually reached
the office of a large newspaper. From there it was merely a matter of time
before BrewsterÂ’s genius would be recognised. And so it was, he received
the No-Bell prize and, shortly afterwards, he was awarded the
Pullet-Surprise.
Gary Mason
the uneducated
if your gona be dumb you gota be tough
Who need drugs when you can have fatigue toxins and caffeine
if your gona be dumb you gota be tough
Who need drugs when you can have fatigue toxins and caffeine
re: Jokes
Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys'
side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys'
side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh
Re: re: Jokes
'The' funniest video I've ever seen. I am still shakin from laughing and sending it out to everyone I know!coylo wrote:Did anyone bother watchin' this the last time I posted it?
http://media.putfile.com/buttrocket
Ahhh, the things bored youngsters get up to these days!
-
ken_behrendt
- Addict
- Posts: 3487
- Joined: Wed Mar 02, 2005 7:45 am
- Location: new jersey, usa
- Contact:
re: Jokes
albente...
I tried to view the video, but when I click the "Play" button on the Media Player nothing happens. Maybe my firewall is blocking the download to protect my PC from a virus...
ken
I tried to view the video, but when I click the "Play" button on the Media Player nothing happens. Maybe my firewall is blocking the download to protect my PC from a virus...
ken
On 7/6/06, I found, in any overbalanced gravity wheel with rotation rate, ω, axle to CG distance d, and CG dip angle φ, the average vertical velocity of its drive weights is downward and given by:
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ
Vaver = -2(√2)πdωcosφ