pan, deadpan, not deadpuns.Gene
Jokes
Moderator: scott
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
pan, deadpan, not deadpuns.Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
Most puns are groaners. This kid on Leno told one I thought was good. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor (miner).
Gene
Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
re: Jokes
Spanish Computer
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
re: Jokes
Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to
hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was
actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a
large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS,
DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another
agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits
with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
‘FATASS’
hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was
actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a
large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS,
DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another
agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security
Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits
with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
‘FATASS’
re: Jokes
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
She was a blonde
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.".
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers.
"No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking.".
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
She was a blonde
-she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
-she thought a quarterback was a refund
-she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
-she thought meow mix was a record for cats
-under "education" on her job application,she put "Hooked On Phonics"
-she tried to drown a fish
-she tripped over a cordless phone
-she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'
-she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
-she got stabbed in a shoot out
-she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
-If you gave her a penny for intelligence you'd get a refund
-they had to burn down the school to get her out of 3rd grade
-she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
-at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she put "Sagittarius"
-if she spoke her mind,she'd be speechless
-she studied for a blood test and failed
-when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home she moved
-when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "AIRPORT LEFT" she turned around and went home
-did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?". "None." comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher. "Okay," agrees Johnny, "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified.".
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies, "The one licking the ice lolly!" she answers.
"No," retorts Johnny, "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking.".
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”
Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”
His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”
“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
I am pleased to announce I am working on my second gravity powered engine.
Gene
Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
re: Jokes
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. How
many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are
their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great
because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do
it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies."This
time it's mayonnaise."
>------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says
"Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire
extinguisher."
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic
and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>----------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13.Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking
Hundreds of them!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------
What does an Essex girl say after making love ? "Do you all play for
many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl. "10?" says the council worker. "What are
their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great
because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout
WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do
it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."
>------------------------------------------------------------------
>
An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment
on the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies."This
time it's mayonnaise."
>------------------------------------------------------------------
Essex Girl enters a s*x shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says
"Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies "That's a fire
extinguisher."
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site. Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic
and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."
>----------------------------------------------------------------
An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13.Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking
Hundreds of them!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------
What does an Essex girl say after making love ? "Do you all play for
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
The first gravity engine you ever make is going to be the hardest one to do. I'd recommend you give up trying to make the first one and go right after the second one.
Gene
Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
re: Jokes
or we could fukitol and go for the production version!The first gravity engine you ever make is going to be the hardest one to do. I'd recommend you give up trying to make the first one and go right after the second one.
Gene