Trevie,
Yes we could. I think we should sell stock before we go into production.
Gene
Jokes
Moderator: scott
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
-
AgingYoung
- Aficionado
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2005 4:44 am
- Location: Houston, TX
re: Jokes
I found this site that allows you to search for a picture of your american drivers license. I'm amazed this information is on the internet.
Gene
Gene
Working Model 2D
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter.
re: Jokes
Gene,
[Yes we could. I think we should sell stock before we go into production.]
If you decide to do so, may I interest you in a trade? I have some remaining shares in concentrated vacuum packed post holes. This product is manufactured out of abandon oil wells. With the price of oil climbing abandon wells are getting hard to come by. My stock has nowhere to go but up!
Ralph
[Yes we could. I think we should sell stock before we go into production.]
If you decide to do so, may I interest you in a trade? I have some remaining shares in concentrated vacuum packed post holes. This product is manufactured out of abandon oil wells. With the price of oil climbing abandon wells are getting hard to come by. My stock has nowhere to go but up!
Ralph
re: Jokes
A Blind Man goes into a all girls night bar, he sits down and orders a drink. He says to the barmaid, Can I tell you a blonde joke? The whole of the bar becomes silent. The girl sat next to him, says "Considering you are blind and cannot see, I will tell you that there are 2 girls over by the pool table who are 5 time world championship wrestlers and they are both blonde. The girl sat by the bar is Karate instructor at Black-Belt and is also blonde. The barmaid and myself are both BlackBelts and are blonde... So.. are you still wanting to tell your blonde joke". He thinks for a bit and response with "I think I will give it a miss, I don't want to have to explain the blonde joke to all of you five times."
re: Jokes
( inserting some adaptation...)
In the same above bar, a very fat and happy man comes in and find a very promissable girl.
He starts to talk to her and ask about her name.
She says ''my name is Carmen''!
''Oh! Beautifull name you have! Congratulations to your parents for the choice!''
''Oh, Carmen is my nickname... my real name is Gerthruds''.
''Well, anyhow Carmen is great and sounds spanish themes...''
''I chose to Carmen because of my love and prefferences... I really love to ''car'' and ''men'', so call me Carmen... and you, your name is...
'' Yeap... call me ''Cheetosfuck''...
( this joke is not brazilian and I really enjoy to it! )
In the same above bar, a very fat and happy man comes in and find a very promissable girl.
He starts to talk to her and ask about her name.
She says ''my name is Carmen''!
''Oh! Beautifull name you have! Congratulations to your parents for the choice!''
''Oh, Carmen is my nickname... my real name is Gerthruds''.
''Well, anyhow Carmen is great and sounds spanish themes...''
''I chose to Carmen because of my love and prefferences... I really love to ''car'' and ''men'', so call me Carmen... and you, your name is...
'' Yeap... call me ''Cheetosfuck''...
( this joke is not brazilian and I really enjoy to it! )
re: Jokes
St PaddyÂ’s Day
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Shiite, Shiite!". He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bejeezus... I'm fockin' fock'd," he mutters to himself.
Paddy can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to his front door and shimmies up the door frame. Managing to open the door, he pulls himself inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says to himself, "C'mon Paddy, ye can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking", as he falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the bedroom carrying a cuppa. "Get up Paddy 'an 'ave yer tea. Did you 'ave a wee bit to drink last noite?". Paddy says, "Aye, I did that Jess. I was fockin' pissed. How'd you know?". Jess says, "Mick called...... you left your wheelchair at the pub".
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy". Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite!" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. "Shiite, Shiite!". He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bejeezus... I'm fockin' fock'd," he mutters to himself.
Paddy can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to his front door and shimmies up the door frame. Managing to open the door, he pulls himself inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". But he crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says to himself, "C'mon Paddy, ye can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock this, I gotta stop drinking", as he falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the bedroom carrying a cuppa. "Get up Paddy 'an 'ave yer tea. Did you 'ave a wee bit to drink last noite?". Paddy says, "Aye, I did that Jess. I was fockin' pissed. How'd you know?". Jess says, "Mick called...... you left your wheelchair at the pub".
re: Jokes
TAX SEASON
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and
then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase
that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute,then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and
then asks, "what is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase
that."
The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute,then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore call girl?'
"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
re: Jokes
And who said you cannot change hight for width!
Engineers
Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Engineers
Bubba and Ray (Tennessee mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
re: Jokes
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
The other guys responds proudly, "Yes, that I am."
The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"
The other guys says, " A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and say! s, :And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 too."
About this time a woman walks in to the bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender walks over to her shaking his head and muttering, "It's going to be a long night tonight."
The woman asks, "Why do you say that?"
The bartender replies, "The Murphy twins are drunk again."
re: Jokes
There are four naked men in a sauna room.
One is american, other german, third a japanese and fourth a brazillian.
All them are happy and swet.
The american then start to look at his finger nail and touch to it.
Asked, he respond: 'oh, I have an implanted computer in my nail'.
The german then was observed to have always a shut eye, and he says:
'oh, I have an implanted screen at my right eyelid.
The japanese, then started to talk alone... after that, he says to have an implanted cell phone in a mollar tooth!
The brazillian thinks: 'oh... I need to do something... these guys are too much up-to-date... much more than I am...
Then he, still naked, lives the room and return in a few minutes...
He had hold in his ass a small slice of paper.
Asked about, he says: 'oh... I'm receiving a fax... that's all...'
One is american, other german, third a japanese and fourth a brazillian.
All them are happy and swet.
The american then start to look at his finger nail and touch to it.
Asked, he respond: 'oh, I have an implanted computer in my nail'.
The german then was observed to have always a shut eye, and he says:
'oh, I have an implanted screen at my right eyelid.
The japanese, then started to talk alone... after that, he says to have an implanted cell phone in a mollar tooth!
The brazillian thinks: 'oh... I need to do something... these guys are too much up-to-date... much more than I am...
Then he, still naked, lives the room and return in a few minutes...
He had hold in his ass a small slice of paper.
Asked about, he says: 'oh... I'm receiving a fax... that's all...'
re: Jokes
( I hope you'll not find this last joke of mine too much funny.
Case you do, I'll be offended. :( )
Case you do, I'll be offended. :( )
re: Jokes
A man in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his
thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up again, does his
thing, drive home, and falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.
No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."
re: Jokes
Rejected Titles for the movie Brokeback Mountain:
- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN"
- "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"
- "PRANCES WITH WOLVES"
- "JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON"
- "BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID"
- "THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE"
- "HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG"
- "THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER"
- "DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID"
- "LONESOME DOUG"
- "DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN"
- "MCCABE AND MR. MILLER"
- "HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!"
- "THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES"
- "QUICKLY DOWN UNDER"
- "BAREBACK MOUNTING"
- "BONE-NANZA"
- "DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS"
- "HOME ON THE RANGER"
- "OKLAHOMO"
- "ROOSTER COCKBURN"
- "LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE"
- "BALONEY PONY RODEO"
- "TUBESTEAK COWBOYS"
- "SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!"