Yes, age is a serious stuff to any people!
Look at this story:
A man and his wife was in honney moon travel through country.
In a small town, without been advised about, they came to meretrice local zone and there they found a show house.
In full red lamps there was advertised: come to see to ''Orlando the Magnificent''!
They couldn't lose it and came. Finally appeared Orlando, completely naked and with his gun full of load! Impressive!
Then, came 3 naked and beautifull girls...
What did Orlando?
Bang in the first... bang in the second and bang in third!
Absolutely magnificent!
Then in follow came another girl with a small table with 3 nuts over it.
Orlando, still with erection, used to his male tool as a hammer and in sequence break to all 3 nuts!
( I'll short, ok? )
This was unforgetable to the couple and 25 years later they came again in the same kind of trip at same town, in celebration.
They walk around, and found to the same show house with the same red lamps old advertise: Orlando the magnificent!
The show starts, there comes Orlando... 3 girls... and bang... bang... bang... and 25 years later! Impossible!
And there comes a girl with a larger table with 3 big mature coconuts.
Orlando, still with the same power... bang... bang... bang... distroyed to all coconuts! Amazing! Stupid!
Later on, they went to the stage to salute to Orlando and send him their congratulations for the show and the hits after 25 years! He was the same guy as they saw in their honney-moon!
Then Orlando says: oh, guys... time has treated me hard and bad... I'm not the same anymore... I'm failling... I'm failling... Do you remember to those three nuts I used to break?
Now days, my eyes are failling... and I must to break to coconuts that are much bigger... some of these days I'll buy glasses...
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
-
Joel Wright
- Enthusiast
- Posts: 220
- Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2003 4:43 am
- Location: U.S.A.
- Contact:
re: Jokes
A rich ,but not to bright farmer got it in his head to fund a space mission to the sun to better understand why the the sun made his crops grow.Consulting with NASA about his desired mission he recived this reply.My God man the sun will burn us to ash!Well can't we go at night ask the farmer?
Work with gravity and gravity will work for you.There are more than two sides to a wheel.
-
james kelly
- Aficionado
- Posts: 497
- Joined: Wed Jun 22, 2005 10:04 pm
JOKES
WHY IS MY name suddenly appearing in orange? jim kelly
-
Joel Wright
- Enthusiast
- Posts: 220
- Joined: Fri Dec 19, 2003 4:43 am
- Location: U.S.A.
- Contact:
re: Jokes
As you may know There is now a pill on the market that claims to increase gas mileage by as much as 10 to 30 percent.Well now the farmer down the road bought some and tried them.He says his gas mileage has'nt increased any but he assures me they taste terrible.
Work with gravity and gravity will work for you.There are more than two sides to a wheel.
re: Jokes
The neighborhood postman was retiring after 30 years. On his last day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and invited him in for a drink.
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepaired an exquisite dinner for him.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."
As he was putting the mail in the mailbox of the last house, the door opened, and the woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited him inside and lead him upstairs where she made mad passionate love to him. After their lovemaking she lead him downstairs where she prepaired an exquisite dinner for him.
He found a dollar bill under his plate as he ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my husband to ask him what we should give you for your retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Dinner was my idea."
re: Jokes
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
re: Jokes
Funny Jokes
- It's Tax Time.........!!!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
- It's Tax Time.........!!!
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said,
"Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will
have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with
your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail
them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope,
'Now, you have everything.'"
re: Jokes
All the woman who work in my office except for one are suing me for sexual harassment.
I have just been informed that the one who is not suing has now filed a suit for discrimination, as I did not sexually harass her. :o)
I have just been informed that the one who is not suing has now filed a suit for discrimination, as I did not sexually harass her. :o)
re: Jokes
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the
guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip
several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal
at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait
for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for
their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me,
and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
------------------
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said
she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not
into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit,
with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom
about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the
guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K.
to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home,
please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK. After my next trip
several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal
at the appointed time.
Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait
for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for
their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me,
and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"
"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at
Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see
if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
------------------
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must
say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can
find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
------------------
A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several
evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said
she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully
enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not
into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."
------------------
A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the
way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
re: Jokes
Subject: Letters to the editor but never published - Quality !
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars. T Barnham, London
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes
this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports
personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation
with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never
shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of
heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living
too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish
they'd make their minds up. John
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a
mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose
around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I
would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme.
She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make
from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they
stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P, Leeds
It really annoys me to see these suicide bombers blowing up people as
well as themselves. In my day, suicide was done in a more dignified way,
such as slicing your wrists in the bath, or hanging yourself from a door
with a belt. Paul Mulraney, Belfast
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach
the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a
correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy
Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I
told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to
leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such
appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family? Noel, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board
cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to
make than this? Alun Daniel
I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started
wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked
it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Alan Thakray
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of
Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
faster cars. T Barnham, London
Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric
Abu Hamsa. Les Barnsley
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike
Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw*t quickly enough the last
time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with
the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I
hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But
I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is
Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
Stan
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the
world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. Thomas J
re: Jokes
New Supermarket
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.