Jokes
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bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
An elderly couple in their mid eighties were sitting in the Doctors office waiting room. The Doctor peers his head outside of the door and points to the elderly gentleman and states..."Sir, what I am going to need from you is a urine sample and a stool sample." And just that quick the door closes behind the Doctor. The elderly man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks "what did he say?" to which she replied..."he said he wants to see your underwear!"
The middle aged wife says to her husband..."I was thinking about breast enlargement..." The husband gets up and goes to the bathroom and returns with some neatly folded toilet paper and hands this to his wife saying..."here use this...just rub it between your breasts real good once a day and it should work." The wife asks very confused..."how is this going to work." To which the husband replied..."well, look at what it did for your ass." He can see out of one eye pretty good now...but, the doctor says the other eye might take a little longer for the swelling to go down....
Steve
The middle aged wife says to her husband..."I was thinking about breast enlargement..." The husband gets up and goes to the bathroom and returns with some neatly folded toilet paper and hands this to his wife saying..."here use this...just rub it between your breasts real good once a day and it should work." The wife asks very confused..."how is this going to work." To which the husband replied..."well, look at what it did for your ass." He can see out of one eye pretty good now...but, the doctor says the other eye might take a little longer for the swelling to go down....
Steve
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein
re: Jokes
THE DONKEY RAFFLE;
A YOUNG HILLBILLY NAMED KENNY, MOVED TO TEXAS AND BOUGHT A DONKEY
FROM A FARMER FOR $100.00. THE FARMER AGREED TO DELIVER THE DONKEY
THE NEXT DAY.
THE NEXT DAY THE FARMER DROVE UP AND SAID, "SORRY SON, BUT I HAVE
SOME BAD NEWS, THE DONKEY DIED."
KENNY REPLIED, "WELL, THEN, JUST GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK."
THE FARMER SAID, "CAN'T DO THAT. I WENT AND SPENT IT ALREADY."
KENNY SAID, "O K, THEN, JUST BRING ME THE DEAD DONKEY."
THE FARMER ASKED, "WHAT YA GONNA DO WITH HIM?"
KENNY SAID, "I'M GOING TO RAFFLE HIM OFF."
THE FARMER SAID, "YOU CAN'T RAFFLE OFF A DEAD DONKEY!"
KENNY SAID, "SURE I CAN. WATCH ME. I JUST WON'T TELL ANYBODY HE IS
DEAD."
A MONTH LATER, THE FARMER MET UP WITH KENNY AND ASKED, "WHAT
HAPPENED WITH THAT DEAD DONKEY?"
KENNY SAID, "I RAFFLED HIM OFF. I SOLD 500 TICKETS AT TWO DOLLARS
A PIECE AND MADE A TOTAL PROFIT OF $898.00."
THE FARMER SAID, "DIDN'T ANY ONE COMPLAIN?"
KENNY SAID, "JUST THE GUY WHO WON. SO I GAVE HIM HIS TWO DOLLARS BACK."
KENNY EVENTUALLY BECAME THE CHAIRMAN OF ENRON
A YOUNG HILLBILLY NAMED KENNY, MOVED TO TEXAS AND BOUGHT A DONKEY
FROM A FARMER FOR $100.00. THE FARMER AGREED TO DELIVER THE DONKEY
THE NEXT DAY.
THE NEXT DAY THE FARMER DROVE UP AND SAID, "SORRY SON, BUT I HAVE
SOME BAD NEWS, THE DONKEY DIED."
KENNY REPLIED, "WELL, THEN, JUST GIVE ME MY MONEY BACK."
THE FARMER SAID, "CAN'T DO THAT. I WENT AND SPENT IT ALREADY."
KENNY SAID, "O K, THEN, JUST BRING ME THE DEAD DONKEY."
THE FARMER ASKED, "WHAT YA GONNA DO WITH HIM?"
KENNY SAID, "I'M GOING TO RAFFLE HIM OFF."
THE FARMER SAID, "YOU CAN'T RAFFLE OFF A DEAD DONKEY!"
KENNY SAID, "SURE I CAN. WATCH ME. I JUST WON'T TELL ANYBODY HE IS
DEAD."
A MONTH LATER, THE FARMER MET UP WITH KENNY AND ASKED, "WHAT
HAPPENED WITH THAT DEAD DONKEY?"
KENNY SAID, "I RAFFLED HIM OFF. I SOLD 500 TICKETS AT TWO DOLLARS
A PIECE AND MADE A TOTAL PROFIT OF $898.00."
THE FARMER SAID, "DIDN'T ANY ONE COMPLAIN?"
KENNY SAID, "JUST THE GUY WHO WON. SO I GAVE HIM HIS TWO DOLLARS BACK."
KENNY EVENTUALLY BECAME THE CHAIRMAN OF ENRON
re: Jokes
Gordy,
This one is for you!
LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIF
San Diego, California...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because
he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's
a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in
Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
This one is for you!
LIFE IN SOUTHERN CALIF
San Diego, California...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because
he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat. "He's
a smart aleck when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and
moaned," I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in
Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
re: Jokes
ralph, this is the kind of crap that goes on in san diego, ......
and the cop gets a payed vacation...!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13613087/
and the cop gets a payed vacation...!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13613087/
re: Jokes
Very interesting stuff.
A BBC media man made a guide list, as in bellow, since he wanted to reach to the right - or nearest - portuguese pronounce of brazilian players names at the World Cup, in Deutchland.
regs. M.
>> Assunto: Escalação da seleção, conf. BBC.
>>
>> Olá....segue ajuda para os estrangeiros conseguirem pronunciar o nome dos
>> jogadores brasileiros....hahahahahah
>>
>> ESCALAÇÃO DA SELEÇÃO BRASILEIRA
>>
>> 1 - Did are
>> 2 - Car full
>> 3 - look see you
>> 4 - who one
>> 5 - when mear son
>> 6 - who bear to car loss
>> 7 - add dream an no
>> 8 - car car
>> 9 - Who now do ( Few now mem no )
>> 10 - Who now dream you gay you show
>> 11 - Zero bear to
>> 12 - who jerry scene
>> 13 - see seen you
>> 14 - Crisis
>> 15 - lowis on
>> 16 - G you bear to
>> 17 - June in you
>> 18 - Mean arrow
>> 19 - G you bear to silver
>> 20 - Rich are dream you
>> 21 - Fried
>> 22 - July seissor
>> 23 - Who bean You
>>
>> Coach : Car loss all beer to pair here a
>>
A BBC media man made a guide list, as in bellow, since he wanted to reach to the right - or nearest - portuguese pronounce of brazilian players names at the World Cup, in Deutchland.
regs. M.
>> Assunto: Escalação da seleção, conf. BBC.
>>
>> Olá....segue ajuda para os estrangeiros conseguirem pronunciar o nome dos
>> jogadores brasileiros....hahahahahah
>>
>> ESCALAÇÃO DA SELEÇÃO BRASILEIRA
>>
>> 1 - Did are
>> 2 - Car full
>> 3 - look see you
>> 4 - who one
>> 5 - when mear son
>> 6 - who bear to car loss
>> 7 - add dream an no
>> 8 - car car
>> 9 - Who now do ( Few now mem no )
>> 10 - Who now dream you gay you show
>> 11 - Zero bear to
>> 12 - who jerry scene
>> 13 - see seen you
>> 14 - Crisis
>> 15 - lowis on
>> 16 - G you bear to
>> 17 - June in you
>> 18 - Mean arrow
>> 19 - G you bear to silver
>> 20 - Rich are dream you
>> 21 - Fried
>> 22 - July seissor
>> 23 - Who bean You
>>
>> Coach : Car loss all beer to pair here a
>>
re: Jokes
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
re: Jokes
This is a story of war!
About 60 soldiers arrive to a small and destroyed village in the meddle of nothing!
Nobody was there except for a really old and indefense woman.
After minutes the boys was prepared to send to that old woman the pure and true love they have cumulated in weeks of combats!
No! Never! Said the tenant! This is not fair to this poor woman!
( I'll try to be short, ok? )
Then came the sargent with several arguments about how good could be that date for the ehxausted and bored men!
After long talk, tenant said:
Ok! Ok, men! Let's randon! Let's count how many teeth this poor victim has in mouth and this will be the number of men I'll randon for an intercourse with her! ( a fair officer! )
They counted 5 teeth and five men went to her!
Now the end of the story:
Again, after hours, the men in column are marching again and leaving the village!
At the side, the very old woman crys and protest:
tenant! Stupid tenant!? Stuuuuupiiiiiid!!!...
You forgot to count a cracked one at deep left!!!! Stupiiiiiiiid!....
About 60 soldiers arrive to a small and destroyed village in the meddle of nothing!
Nobody was there except for a really old and indefense woman.
After minutes the boys was prepared to send to that old woman the pure and true love they have cumulated in weeks of combats!
No! Never! Said the tenant! This is not fair to this poor woman!
( I'll try to be short, ok? )
Then came the sargent with several arguments about how good could be that date for the ehxausted and bored men!
After long talk, tenant said:
Ok! Ok, men! Let's randon! Let's count how many teeth this poor victim has in mouth and this will be the number of men I'll randon for an intercourse with her! ( a fair officer! )
They counted 5 teeth and five men went to her!
Now the end of the story:
Again, after hours, the men in column are marching again and leaving the village!
At the side, the very old woman crys and protest:
tenant! Stupid tenant!? Stuuuuupiiiiiid!!!...
You forgot to count a cracked one at deep left!!!! Stupiiiiiiiid!....
re: Jokes
Subject: YOU ARE DRIVING IN A CAR AT A CONSTANT SPEED
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below*
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine
traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car
and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same
speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below*
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round
re: Jokes
How much is a "Billion"?
A Billion!!!!! Here's some thought provoking information -
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective
in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at
New Orleans -
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division ............
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number, what does it mean?
a.. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every
man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.
b.. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your
home gets $1, 329,787.
c..Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C......HELLO!!!........
Are all your calculators broken????
A Billion!!!!! Here's some thought provoking information -
The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective
in one of its releases.
a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at
New Orleans -
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division ............
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.
Interesting number, what does it mean?
a.. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every
man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.
b.. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your
home gets $1, 329,787.
c..Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C......HELLO!!!........
Are all your calculators broken????