Jokes

[murilo]

Nice msg Trevie!
I have created a good icon for this pigeon:
*°ºoO

Merry Chritmas to all! M. SP23/dec

[rlortie]

Can You Top This?

After having dug to a depth of 100 metres last year, English scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Polish
scientists dug to a depth of 200 metres and shortly after the newspapers
read: Polish archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old
fibre-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an
advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the English.

One week later, French newspapers reported the following:
After digging as deep as 500 metres in Versailles, French scientists have
found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5,000 years ago, France's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.

[bluesgtr44]

LMAO, Ralph....good one!


Steve

[rlortie]

ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST.....

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate
meanings for common words. The winners are:


1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight you have
gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which you absent-
mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand): The belief that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men.

[ovyyus]

Ali G asks some big questions about techmology, where men come from, and floaters :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eB5VXJXxnNU

[rlortie]

: SENIOR MOMENT


A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game,
took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him
why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"
the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The
young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel,
man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have
nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed
processing .....and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said,
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were
young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what
are you doing for the next generation?"
The applause was resounding...
I love senior citizens!!!

[DrWhat]

Here, here!

[ovyyus]

A man and his wife were spending a day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape section, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did this and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now tell him you have a headache."

[ovyyus]

USA, 50 years ago vs present...


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1956 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his gun to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1956 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1956 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1956 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1956 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1956 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1956: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1956 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1956 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

[jim_mich]

The sad thing is that this isn't a joke; it's the truth.

[Wheeler]

Yes Bill but Im doing better with all that stuff now.
Heck if I carry a gun to school, I don't let the principal know.

[ovyyus]

Yes Jim, that's the joke - it IS true. Not just in the USA either, but you guys do seem to lead the way for all us little satellite states.

As a kid I had the biggest chemistry set in town, more like a full-blown lab under my parents house. I made and did all sorts of wicked things in the name of fun and curiosity. Doing that today would surely get me onto some terror watchlist somewhere, at the least. But more probably I'd be chained to the floor of some secret US holding cell for several years waiting to be charged with something.

[rlortie]

1954-5, My eighth grade science teacher, teaches class how to mix Charcoal, Potassium nitrate (salt Peter) and sulfur, using mortar and pestil to grind it up! Better known as "Black Powder".

We place it on concrete in parking lot and he lights it off for whole class to see! Me and another student make another batch after school and take it home and build a rocket. Rocket explodes about a foot after lift off!

Another batch is made and we sit it in a coffee can on the science classroom window ledge and light it! Class room stinks for the next three days! Cohort and myself are lead to principles office. We are told to bend over and grab our ankles while recieving three good whacks each with a flat paddle.

2007, You have got to be kidding!

And as Jack Webb would say that's just the facts.
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/42943/joh ... _clappers/

Ralph

[trevie]

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends
and
family Tuesday when she set a new standard for stupidity with her appearance
on the popular TV show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire."

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on
the
first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing
"the
absolute worst use of lifelines ever."



After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured
her
that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy
$100 question. The question was:

"Which of the following is the largest?"
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?

Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she
realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the
answer.

"Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie," said Evans, as Vieira did her level best
to
hide her disbelief and disgust. "I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of
these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be."

Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50.
Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an
elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans
still remained unsure.

"Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!" exclaimed Evans. "Darn.
I
think I better phone a friend."

Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans
asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant.


"Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!" said Evans, wasting the
first seven seconds of her call. "Ok, I got an important question. Which
of
the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds
hun."

Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to
argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds.

"Come on Betsy, are you sure?" said Evans. "How sure are you? Puh, that
can't be it."

To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's
advice and pick 'The Moon.'

"I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I
think I'd like to ask the audience," said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor
of
answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made
the
dumbest choice of her life.

"Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking," said the
too-stupid-to-live Evans. "But you know, sometimes you just got to go with
your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm
going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer."
Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated
breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact,
C,
'The Moon.'

[scott]

http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/gameshows/millionaire.asp