Jokes

[trevie]

Dear IT Support:Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and
noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in
the Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend
5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0.Conversation 8.0
no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging5.3
to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?Signed, Desperate
------------------Dear
Desperate:First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.Try entering the command:C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME
to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If
that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run
the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.But remember, overuse of
the
above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,
Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that
will create Snoring Loudly.CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law.
This is not a supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary,
Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot
learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software
to improve memory and performance. I personally would recommend Hot Food
3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.Good Luck, IT Support ------------------ Dear
IT Support,18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates
4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.To make matters worse, Girlfriend
1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut
3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved
no better.I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs
and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
weeks Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.I eventually upgraded to Fiancée
1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further
to
Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it
does
come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.Shortly after this upgrade,
however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could
not be deleted.They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about
them.Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.Additional
problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop
Browser
for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled
every
other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible
hard drive, it often crashes.Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up
called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.Recently I've been tempted
to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine
has
alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends
to
delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself'.

[racer270]

do you know this guy

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves
at a loss when someone says. 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my
genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced ix children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy
with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

...THE END.....

[racer270]

----- Original Message -----
> > > > Subject: NFL or NBA?
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> 36
> > >> have been accused of spousal abuse
> > >>
> > >> 7
> > >> have been arrested for fraud
> > >>
> > >> 19
> > >> have been accused of writing bad checks
> > >>
> > >> 117
> > >> have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
> > >>
> > >> 3
> > >> have done time for assault
> > >>
> > >> 71, repeat
> > >> 71 cannot
> > >> get a credit card due to bad credit
> > >>
> > >> 14
> > >> have been arrested on drug-related charges
> > >>
> > >> 8
> > >> have been arrested for shoplifting
> > >>
> > >> 21
> > >> currently are defendants in lawsuits, and
> > >>
> > >> 84
> > >> have been arrested for drunk driving
> > >> in the last year
> > >>
> > >> Can
> > >> you guess which organization this is?
> > >>
> > >> Give up yet? . . . Scroll down,
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Neither,
> > >> it's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
> > >> The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

oh yeah ....i forgot the punch line......lol


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17168266/

[murilo]

Hey...
This is not a joke!
( Brazilian congress is pretty worst! :(

[rlortie]

I think I finally found the answer to Bessler's wheel.

[murilo]

Fist hand joke:
A man and a woman dated in a bar and went out to make sex.
Hours after, they will say goodbye:
- Wow... I liked you!
- Yes, me too... You're impressive... is that what people call total erection?
- Yes!!! Fortunately you haven't installed an anti-doping system!!!
- Yes?!?! Fortunately you haven't installed anti-virus system...

[murilo]

For many years a guy was living alone in a far island.
Then, he finds a ''wonder lamp'', scrach it, and a blond genius comes:
- Yes, master, you made me free and you got three desires.
- ok... ok....ok... first the best of food for ever...
( boooommmm...)
- ok... ok... I wanna to be young and strong....
( boooommmmmm....)
- ok... ok...ok... now a woman... I want here at my front, perfectly naked, the best of the best woman in the world...
( boooooooommmmmmm......)
and the naked and confused Madre Thereza of Calcuta comes to him...)

[MrTim]

;)

[Wheeler]

She must of had some big boooooooommmmmmm.
Double posts to handle her.

[murilo]

( this genius joke is mine, besides old...:)
Here is another first hand one!
A circus mannager takes his best bear of the show to famous veterinary.
- His behavior is no more the same, Doc. We lost confidence... His humor is complicated... some times he's fine and happy, but after ours he changes... stays violent... what could be, Doc?
- Hmmmm... your bear is bi-polar... of sure, he's bi-polar...
- What to do, Doc? What to do?
- We mut keep him exactly over equator line...

( step one: understand the english.
step two: reach the meaning.
step three: find it fun.)

[Fletcher]

The same bear goes into a bar the very next day & feeling a bit angsty orders a beer. He pops a couple of prozac & gulps it right down, & then next to him, can't help noticing a very drunk & particularly obnoxious young women flirting outrageously with the guys at the near by table, obviously trying to watch Saturday sport in peace.

This annoys him more than usual & after another beer he snaps, goes over & eats her right up, to the astonishment of the rest of the patrons.

He leans over the bar & says, bartender, give me another beer.

The bartender, shaking in his boots says, sorry sir, we don't serve beers to drug addicts in this here bar.

I'm not a drug addict growls the bear menacingly.

Sorry sir, that was a barbitchuate.

[John Collins]

I love it! My favorite so far.

JC

[wheelmaster]

Bessler code revealed

O I C U 8 1 2

[wheelmaster]

The same bear stumbles out of the bar feeling at bit woozy from the barbitchheate. Heads down the street to another pub. Sits down at the bar and says "Barkeep, give me a..........................beer. The barkeep replies "Why the long pause?" The bear answers "I was born with them."

[DrWhat]

Nice one!! :-)