Jokes

[Wheeler]

I bearly got that one!

[wheelmaster]

Wheeler,

And I thought my pun was bad.

[rlortie]

And you think that is bad!

A bear sleeps in his bear skin, I am told.
When I sleep in my bear skin, I catch a heck of a cold.
**********************

A bear and a rabbit are strolling through the forest.
The rabbit say's excuse me but I must step behind a bush as nature calls.
The bear say's I will go with you as I must drop a load also.

As they are doing their chore, the bear asks the rabbit if his defication sticks to his fur. The rabbit say's Oh! no that never happens to me. So the bear says, that's great and picks him up and uses him for wipe his rear.

[Wheeler]

Had a dream I went to heaven.

Walked up to the agent in charge and he said if you were a good person, and lived clean and faithful, you get lots of stuff here.

Well I scored high and I was driving a big Cadillac and had lots of nice things.

Suddenly I pulled over and couldn't stop crying.

Another guy driving a brown minivan stopped and said why are you crying so much, you should be happy. Look at the nice car and all the stuff you have.

Looking up with tears I said to the man.

My wife just went by and she was riding a skate board!

[wheelmaster]

Put on your thinking caps, because this one's going to hurt...

Three sailors walk into a motel and ask how much it would cost to spend the evening. The manager tells them that it will cost $30 for all three.

Each sailor gives the hotel manager $10.

Later, the manager realizes that he made a mistake. Because it is a weekday, the cost is $25, not $30. He gives $5 to the bell-boy and tells him to return the money to the sailors.

The bell-boy decides to keep $2, and returns the remaining $3 to the sailors - - $1 to each sailor.

Each sailor paid $10 but was refunded $1, netting $9 each.

$9 times 3 (number of sailors) equals $27.

$27 plus the $2 that the bell-boy kept equals $29.

Who the heck has the last dollar?

[LustInBlack]

..

27$ - 2$ of the Boy == 25$ of the manager.

Let's say in human form : 27$ to the manager minus 2$ that the boy kept.

25$ + 2$ + 3*1$ == 30$

Nothing so hard to understand there.

The 30$ is in another time frame.

[scott]

Together the sailors spent $27. The bellboy got $2 and the manager got $25. There's no missing dollar. Adding up the $27 the sailors spent and the $2 the bellboy kept just confuses the issue.

Good riddle though. :-)

[murilo]

- Hello, Doc... Good morning!
- Good morning... Who's there?
- I'm that blond girl... I took my grand-grandpa to your examination on yesterday...
- Oh... yes... May I help you?
- Doc, I forgot to everything you said about his case... is him a case of Sagitarius or Capricornius, Doc?
- Cancer, darling... cancer...

[MrTim]

A last minute creation.... ;)

[trevie]

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved
again. He then made memanaging director and I went right off into a
tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered
off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[murilo]

- Mr. waiter, please come... please look!
- Look to what, Sir?...
- Here in my soup... there is something in the plate!
- Of sure, Sir... it's a design, Sir...
- OH, no... Not a design... it's moving...
- Of sure, Sir... it's a cartoon... Sir....

[trevie]

I wish I could claim this as my own ...

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifaces and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pockets with winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.



Stupid cow...why else would I buy dog food??

[jim_mich]

Oh man, I've got tears running down my face from laughing so hard!

[rlortie]

Subject: White House Fence


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the

White House in D.C..

One from New Jersey , another from Tennessee and the third, Florida .
They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some
Measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The New Jersey contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy fromTennessee to fix the fence."

" Done!" replies the government official.

[murilo]

A guy and his wife, in saturday evening, have openned the third wine botle, and the bullshitarium became open.
Laughing, the man challenge:
- Would you be able to say a single phrase that would make me upset and happy at same time?
After a little, she said:
- Your friend Bob has a much smaller pennis than your have...