lol
6 fingers ................:)
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
Even if this ''case'' is already in this thread, I'll repeat, so nice it is:
A guy was the last one leaving office, late in the night.
But in a hall he found to the very high, high, super, top CEO man with a page of paper in hands.
He was just in front to a modern and powerfull paper shredder, or slicer.
- Good evening my good man... can you help me?
- Good evening, Sir... of sure... what can I do for you?
- Please, do you know how to make work this equipment?
- Of sure, Sir... look... connected... send me here this page...
( ...and... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........ in half a second!)
- Good, good, man... thank you... may ask you for one more copy? This is a very, very, important document...
A guy was the last one leaving office, late in the night.
But in a hall he found to the very high, high, super, top CEO man with a page of paper in hands.
He was just in front to a modern and powerfull paper shredder, or slicer.
- Good evening my good man... can you help me?
- Good evening, Sir... of sure... what can I do for you?
- Please, do you know how to make work this equipment?
- Of sure, Sir... look... connected... send me here this page...
( ...and... rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........ in half a second!)
- Good, good, man... thank you... may ask you for one more copy? This is a very, very, important document...
re: Jokes
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table.
A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men
are men.
A very attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet
twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed..."YES!YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men
are men.
re: Jokes
In a sanatory, at ''MD'', megalomania divison, four interned patient guys are talking:
- Well, I think that now I'll buy to General Motors...
- Yep? By my side, I'll buy to General Electric...
- Hummm... I'm now buyng to Microsoft...
- Sorry, boys... Nope... today I'm selling none of them to you...
( this story was told by a guy living at the neighbour pavillion, called PM/FE...:)
- Well, I think that now I'll buy to General Motors...
- Yep? By my side, I'll buy to General Electric...
- Hummm... I'm now buyng to Microsoft...
- Sorry, boys... Nope... today I'm selling none of them to you...
( this story was told by a guy living at the neighbour pavillion, called PM/FE...:)
re: Jokes
One day two young prawns are playing merrily amongst the coral - one was called Christian & his friend was Daniel - they were amusing themselves, as they did every day, rushing out at unsuspecting fish who swam to close to their hiding place, a hollarin & a hootin & giving them the fright of their lives - reeling with laughter they would swim back to their small hiding place to await the next victim - on one particular day, just as they were about to ambush Mrs Butterfly fish, a nasty shark suddenly appeared at the entrance to their cave, eyeing up the two youngsters as though they'd be a tasty morsel for a hungry shark - Daniel & Christian were scared & swam deeper into the back of the cave where it was too small for Mr shark to follow - Daniel was the first to get over his fright - not long after he said to Christian - you know - sharks aren't afraid of anything here on the reef - I wish I wasn't a prawn & I was a shark - but, said Christian, if you were a shark nobody would trust you & you'd have no friends to play with - that wouldn't bother me said Daniel - the very next morning Daniel was making his way to the play area when he swam by a magical cod - he told the old cod the story of the shark the day before & how he wished he was a shark - the cod though about it a while then waved his magic fish bone & 'hey presto' Daniel was a shark - & off he swam to where he usually met Christian everyday at the entrance to the cave - Christian was there before him so he snuck up on his friend & said BOO in his loudest voice - well poor Christian couldn't believe his eyes & ears & fled in terror to the back of the cave - Daniel fell over laughing till his sides hurt - when he'd finally wiped away the tears of mirth he called Christian to come out & play - no way said Christian - you're a shark now & can't be trusted - go swim with the other sharks - we can't be friends now - well, Daniel was mightily disappointed & swam off to join the sharks - by all accounts they were a dull & dreary lot, not nearly as much fun as his friend Christian - after a week of trying to be friendly with the other sharks Daniel was getting more & more lonely by the minute, so eventually off he swam to the coral patch where he'd found the old cod last time - sure enough there was the cod resting in the same place - Daniel explained how lonely he was as a shark & how much he missed his friend Christian & asked the magical cod if he could change him back into a prawn - 'poof' - the cod changed him back - Daniel was ecstatic & rushed off to find his friend, calling out to him as he got closer - but Christian wasn't waiting around to get eaten by a shark & swam to the back of the cave where the light was very dim - Daniel said it was alright to come out & play & that he wasn't a shark anymore - you don't fool me said Christian, I know you are a shark & you'll eat me up quick as look at me the moment I come out - then curiosity got the better of him & he asked Daniel "how come then you're not a shark anymore ? - Oh, it's all right now, come out & play he said, I found cod & I'm a prawn again Christian.
re: Jokes
The guys from the United Nations have done a serious inquire to the governments of all countries, but they got no good results in the understanding of the question text.
The question was exactly this one:
'' Please, give your honest opinion about the food necessities in the rest of the world."
This is what happened:
- europeans asked the meaning of ''necessities''
- some africans didn't know what means ''food''
- cubans didn't know what means ''opinion''
- others, as one know well, didn't understand the word ''give''
- north americans didn't know what means ''rest of the world''
- argentinians couldn't understand the word ''please''
- brazilian government is still discussing about the word ''honest''...
The question was exactly this one:
'' Please, give your honest opinion about the food necessities in the rest of the world."
This is what happened:
- europeans asked the meaning of ''necessities''
- some africans didn't know what means ''food''
- cubans didn't know what means ''opinion''
- others, as one know well, didn't understand the word ''give''
- north americans didn't know what means ''rest of the world''
- argentinians couldn't understand the word ''please''
- brazilian government is still discussing about the word ''honest''...
re: Jokes
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and
cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off this building."
The Mexican! opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!
If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a
Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his
death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have
given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him
tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife
said,
"Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch."
re: Jokes
A Tip O' the Hat to El Dondo
Five Rules for Men to Follow to a Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.
5. It's very very important that these four women do not know each other.
Five Rules for Men to Follow to a Happy Life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.
5. It's very very important that these four women do not know each other.
re: Jokes
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.
She's such a bitch.....
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.
She's such a bitch.....
re: Jokes
A woman takes a baby to doctor...
After few minutes, doctors says that the baby is under wheight...
Then he asks her to take her bluse and bras, for and examen.
More 5 minutes of hand examination and touch to both brests, and the doc says:
- That's why the kid is under wheight! Your have no milk, this can't be...this poor baby needs food!
- Look here, doc... I'm not his mother, I'm his grandmother... but, be sure, I loved this appointment!!!!
After few minutes, doctors says that the baby is under wheight...
Then he asks her to take her bluse and bras, for and examen.
More 5 minutes of hand examination and touch to both brests, and the doc says:
- That's why the kid is under wheight! Your have no milk, this can't be...this poor baby needs food!
- Look here, doc... I'm not his mother, I'm his grandmother... but, be sure, I loved this appointment!!!!
re: Jokes
The Four Pussies !
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist and
The fourth man was a Government employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said.... "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government employee and said, "What can your cat do?"The Government employee called his cat and said... "Coffee Break...do your stuff." coffeeBreak jumped to his feet....ate the cookies..... drank the milk...... pooped on the paper.............screwed the other three cats............claimed he injured his back while doing so................filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...........put in for Workers compensation..........and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were. The first man was an Engineer,
The second man was an Accountant,
The third man was a Chemist and
The fourth man was a Government employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat,
"T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.
Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.He called his cat and said,
"Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said.... "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government employee and said, "What can your cat do?"The Government employee called his cat and said... "Coffee Break...do your stuff." coffeeBreak jumped to his feet....ate the cookies..... drank the milk...... pooped on the paper.............screwed the other three cats............claimed he injured his back while doing so................filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...........put in for Workers compensation..........and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
re: Jokes
This is a first hand joke and it should be done NOT by an alien...
Deep in the country, over the mountains of North America, an accident hapens between two old trucks in a very rough road.
One driven by a very old deaf farmer and the other one by a really old indian chief.
Both trucks are burning, but none of men are hurt!
The chief is really upset and angry and a ''dialog'' is started!
- Me kill you, red neck! Red skeen kill red neck, ugh!
- This is not a problem, son... give me your adress and...
- No deal... no deal... stupid red neck will die...
- Don't worry... just send me your adress...
- This smoke will call to all my brothers, they will come... we kill...
- Can't hear you son... please loud...
- We kill... WE KILL... brothers will come with bows and arrows...
-Can't hear... loud please... your adress...
- WE KILL... BROTHERS with ARROWS... WE KILL... YAHOO! YAHOO!
- Oh... now good son... now I got: keeleeoo@yahoo... dot com, I suppose...
( I'm sorry for my poor local slang...)
Deep in the country, over the mountains of North America, an accident hapens between two old trucks in a very rough road.
One driven by a very old deaf farmer and the other one by a really old indian chief.
Both trucks are burning, but none of men are hurt!
The chief is really upset and angry and a ''dialog'' is started!
- Me kill you, red neck! Red skeen kill red neck, ugh!
- This is not a problem, son... give me your adress and...
- No deal... no deal... stupid red neck will die...
- Don't worry... just send me your adress...
- This smoke will call to all my brothers, they will come... we kill...
- Can't hear you son... please loud...
- We kill... WE KILL... brothers will come with bows and arrows...
-Can't hear... loud please... your adress...
- WE KILL... BROTHERS with ARROWS... WE KILL... YAHOO! YAHOO!
- Oh... now good son... now I got: keeleeoo@yahoo... dot com, I suppose...
( I'm sorry for my poor local slang...)
re: Jokes
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and was standing outside the
ladies dressing room waiting for his Mum to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes
walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "...Don't you know that women
have
teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he
didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have
teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out
of
town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You
know,
we could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her
crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "...you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "...there's no such thing as teeth
down
there!"
Yes, there are," he says, "...my Mum told me so."
No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mum already told me that all women have
teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her
legs behind her head (she was very supple) and says,
"...LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
ladies dressing room waiting for his Mum to come out.
While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mum comes
walking
out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "...Don't you know that women
have
teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars
he
didn't get bitten.
For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women
have
teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out
of
town, she invites him over for a little action.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You
know,
we could go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.
"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to
her
crotch.
"Hell no," he cries, "...you've got teeth down there!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "...there's no such thing as teeth
down
there!"
Yes, there are," he says, "...my Mum told me so."
No, there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
she
pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My Mum already told me that all women have
teeth
down there."
"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws
her
legs behind her head (she was very supple) and says,
"...LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the
condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
re: Jokes
A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman
and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special
day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!"
says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses
the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and
today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer,
and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said,
"What a coincidence..."
and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special
day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!"
says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses
the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and
today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man .. "I'm a chicken farmer,
and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally
laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled and said,
"What a coincidence..."