Naughty chocolates
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After
Eight.
She was from Quality Street , he was a Fisherman's Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she
had a
Wine Gum.
He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said.
"I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.
They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr
Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.
It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt
her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and
Miss Rowntree shaked her Tic Tacs for him.
Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a
trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as
he
always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.
When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.
She wanted more, but he needed a Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink
Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her
Sherbet
Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!
Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.
Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out
Miss
Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
Little John's father talks to him in his birthday:
- Look here, little John... there is some thing you need to know, since you're now 9...
- I don't want to know nothing more, dad!
- But, kid, you need to... I'll tell you the truth about how babies are coming do the world, and...
- No, dad... nope... I don't want to know this, specially this!!!
- But, kid... what happen?
- You are killing to all my ilusions, dad... All them... When I was 6 you told me about eastern habbit... whem I was seven you told me that Santa and you are the same person... You will quit to all my ilusions and any reason to be alived... I know well, I know... I bet as now you are going to tell me that people no more use to fuck...
- Look here, little John... there is some thing you need to know, since you're now 9...
- I don't want to know nothing more, dad!
- But, kid, you need to... I'll tell you the truth about how babies are coming do the world, and...
- No, dad... nope... I don't want to know this, specially this!!!
- But, kid... what happen?
- You are killing to all my ilusions, dad... All them... When I was 6 you told me about eastern habbit... whem I was seven you told me that Santa and you are the same person... You will quit to all my ilusions and any reason to be alived... I know well, I know... I bet as now you are going to tell me that people no more use to fuck...
re: Jokes
READ THESE SLOWLY---THEY ARE FUN AND CLEVER!
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official
re: Jokes
Husband number 11
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times."
"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just could not get the system up.
“Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband 5 was a scientist, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew, how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
“But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said husband number 11, "but why?
"You’re with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M going to get
SCREWED."
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times."
"Well, husband 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
"Husband 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
"Husband 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just could not get the system up.
“Husband 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
"Husband 5 was a scientist, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
"Husband 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew, how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"Husband 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
"Husband 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
"Husband 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.
"Husband 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.
“But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said husband number 11, "but why?
"You’re with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M going to get
SCREWED."
re: Jokes
This is weird, but interesting! May need to read it twice.
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too
Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
re: Jokes
A drunk guy comes in the church...
People start to complain...
The priest says:
- This is not possible Mr... not possible... Brasil is the second country in alcohol consumer in the world... not possible....
- Yes... brothers... yesss... and the guilted are the religions... ( drunk )
- WHAT??? ( Say everybody ) Religions guilted? Impossible!!!
( the drun says )
- Yesssss.... religions guilted... that's why Brasil is not the first consumer...
People start to complain...
The priest says:
- This is not possible Mr... not possible... Brasil is the second country in alcohol consumer in the world... not possible....
- Yes... brothers... yesss... and the guilted are the religions... ( drunk )
- WHAT??? ( Say everybody ) Religions guilted? Impossible!!!
( the drun says )
- Yesssss.... religions guilted... that's why Brasil is not the first consumer...
-
bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
A bit long winded, but worth it!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the east coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing here at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during he tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge#1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound
woman is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating!! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVAL
Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.
CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety of chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3--I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore
i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Poor dude,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the east coast.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing here at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have
free beer during he tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1--A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3--(Frank) Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI #2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1--Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge #3--Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich Maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI #3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1--Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2--A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3--Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite! Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
all of the beer.
CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge#1--Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2--Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge #3--I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 pound
woman is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating!! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI #5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVAL
Judge #1--Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2--Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3--My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off.
CHILI #6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1--Thin yet bold vegetarian variety of chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge #2--The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.
Superb.
Judge #3--I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore
i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
CHILI #7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1--A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2--Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I worried about
Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3--You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
lava-like crap to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 TOMMY'S TOE-NAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1--The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2--This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Poor dude,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein
re: Jokes
Blue...
With this joke you wonn le cordon bleu...
Absolutely funny!
Thanks! M.
With this joke you wonn le cordon bleu...
Absolutely funny!
Thanks! M.
-
bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
Thanks Murilo...I rarely put anything up here....I only do it if I think it is worth it!Blue...
With this joke you wonn le cordon bleu...
Absolutely funny!
Thanks! M.
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein
re: Jokes
I bet as all of you allready know to the first part of this joke!
In the meanwhile, in the forest... a habitt and a bear was shitting side by side...
Bear asks: ''My dear and little habitt... do you mind if sometimes your fur stays duty by some poo?''
Habitt: ''no my friend... absolutely normal stuff...''
( inmediately the the bear gets to little habitt with a hand and carefully clean his intire ass! )
Still in the forest, one day later, the moose mets to the bear, and says:
''Bear... my friend... chame on you... what a deception... everybody is talking...''
''Talking about what!!!'', said upset bear.
''Everybody is saying... oh, bear... so strong... so selfish... so macho... and everybody saw you yesterday... deceptive my large friend...''
''By hell... what people have seeing?''
''We have seen when the habbit fucked to you... you false macho....''
Now comes the moral conclusion:
''It doesn't matter how s. of a beach you are... you will deserve and find a bigger s. of a beach to beat you....:)
Take care... regs. M.
In the meanwhile, in the forest... a habitt and a bear was shitting side by side...
Bear asks: ''My dear and little habitt... do you mind if sometimes your fur stays duty by some poo?''
Habitt: ''no my friend... absolutely normal stuff...''
( inmediately the the bear gets to little habitt with a hand and carefully clean his intire ass! )
Still in the forest, one day later, the moose mets to the bear, and says:
''Bear... my friend... chame on you... what a deception... everybody is talking...''
''Talking about what!!!'', said upset bear.
''Everybody is saying... oh, bear... so strong... so selfish... so macho... and everybody saw you yesterday... deceptive my large friend...''
''By hell... what people have seeing?''
''We have seen when the habbit fucked to you... you false macho....''
Now comes the moral conclusion:
''It doesn't matter how s. of a beach you are... you will deserve and find a bigger s. of a beach to beat you....:)
Take care... regs. M.
Re: re: Jokes
Wonderful and welcome to the club!evgwheel wrote:I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking.
It scared the crap out of me..... Frightening stuff.
So that's it!
After today, no more reading.
MC
