Jokes

[rlortie]

You Gotta Love the Irish :-)
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


Paddy was in New York. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees. "Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[murilo]

( a little bit exaggerated...:)

[murilo]

''There is much more that I could say about this subject, but I risk divulging too much. Please forgive me for keeping quiet. ''

I got this phrase from thread ''MIX MT 10 - 11 - 12''.
This is really very funny...:))))))))))
I wise author to never work or even pass near a mill...
Sincerely, M. SP apr/13

[AB Hammer]

This is one to go with murilo.


The word of the day. LEGS! So go out and spread the word.

[murilo]

Alan, hi!
I'm very glad that you can understand to my painfull english!
Thank you for this!
BTW, what means LEGS? ( not pieces of a body, I guess! )
regs. Murilo

[evgwheel]

……….Being smart does not always give you the obvious answer……

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you
dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

[Fletcher]

ROTFLMAO evg

[murilo]

The servant girl came to the Madam, owner of the house and says:
- I want a salary, at least 40% higher!
- Oh, yes? May I ask why?
- It's because I'm much better than you...
- Oh, yes?
- For example, your husband said I keep the house much better than you!
- Oh, yes? That idiot?!?!
- Also, I can cook much better than you...
- Oh, yes? Who said so?
- Your husband...
- OH, YES?!?! THAT IDIOT?
- And of sure, I make sex much better than you... much... much...
- WHO SAID SO? THAT IDIOT?
- No... Who said so was the driver...


( Hey you guys, pls help with a little translation:

>>>> LEGS????
>>>> ROTFLMAO evg ?????

See msgs above!
Pls, help this ignorant brother! Thanks! )

[evgwheel]

http://www.netlingo.com/right.cfm?term=ROTFLMAO
All the chat/net shortcuts are on the link above
P.s. evg=Eddy Van Gent

[rlortie]

I like IMAO :-)

[evgwheel]

The "A" is reserved for the Dutch or Germans. Does not apply to u

[rlortie]

Technology

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards
last year, New
York scientists found traces of
copper wire dating back 100 years
and came to the
conclusion that their New York ancestors
already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the
weeks that followed, California scientists dug
to a depth of 20
yards, and shortly after, headlines
in the LA Times newspaper read:
'California archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper
wire and have concluded that their
ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years
earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the 'Hemingford Ledger,'
a local news paper in
Hemingford, NE., reported the
following:


'After digging as deep as 30 yards in corn
fields near Berea , NE , Larry the Cable Guy, a self-
taught archaeologist and dyed-in-the-wool Husker
fan, reported that he found absolutely nothing.
Larry has
therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Nebraska had already gone wireless.'

[rlortie]

Speaking of "U"

A Message from John Cleese -

To the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which
she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up
'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the
suffix '-ise'. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're
not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are
pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be
due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what
it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having
one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try
Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they
regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the
sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

[Mak#1]

It was discovered yesterday that Osama Bin Laden has been hiding out at the White House , working as an aide to President Bush....

[rlortie]

A trip to Lowes

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes with a toe sticking through one of them.

Right in the middle of this project you realize you need to run to Lowes
to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your AGE you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair,
Brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt, change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:


Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat, wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Lowes. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The sexy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is sexy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands into your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop
and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not quite sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowes until they have your prescriptions ready at Walgreens. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The sweet young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Lowes. Go to Lowes and wander around for hours trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You give up and go back home with a gallon of antifreeze - in July.