Jokes

[evgwheel]

Ralph (previous page)
Not a truer word said in jest.
So far I’m glad I don’t belong in the last 2 categories yet.

[KAS]

Take a look at these actual exam submissions.

These kids have god a wonderful sense of humour.

Kas

[DrWhat]

KAS, That last one made me laugh my head off!
If only I had known those equations were so simple to solve!

[rlortie]

I am not so sure this is a joke, but when in doubt put it here!

Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

-------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so ?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.

[KAS]

Brilliant Ralph!


If I were a betting man, the latter version would be my most likely wager.

Strange as it is.

Kas

[Mak#1]

Two burglars were trying to break into a two story building, upon not finding egress anywhere on the first floor, one spots an open window on the second floor. "Look" he tells his partner " I will turn on my flashlight on that window and you crawl up the beam". "No way" says the other " Ill get halfway up and you,ll turn off the light".
mak

[rlortie]

Received from friend:

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.


Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leap t at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.


Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

If they only knew!

[KAS]

Sorry to here of your accident Ralph (Stifling a laugh)

It give a whole new meaning to the chaos theory.

You know, a butterfly flaps its wings in China etc.

Only your is :

kitty + malfunctioning garbage disposal unit / impatient wife
= damaged appendage and head injury

What a chain reaction!

Kas

[rlortie]

IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back
the
quarter, and said Were sorry but they could not do that kind of thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

>From Kingman , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


>From Kansas City


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and REPRODUCE and our enemies know it!!!

[DrWhat]

:-)))

[rlortie]

Subject: BASS PRO SHOP

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her husband's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?'

He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.' She doesn't
believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
on sale
this week for only $20.00.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her
credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she
is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk
could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she
was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the
rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies,' Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.'

[evgwheel]

Saying the right thing, at the right time

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after a night out at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. Next to them is a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping Love you!�
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son... what happened last night?�
“Well, you came home after 3am, drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.�
“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?�
His son replies, “Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you screamed
“Leave me alone lady, I’m married! I love my wife�

[trevie]

Official Technical explanation!! Why isn’t everything explained so clearly?

[rlortie]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the
patients were shouting '13....13....13'...


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and
looked through to see what was going on.

Then some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.and they all
started shouting

'14....14....14'...

[trevie]

Here's a selection of favourite letters sent into Viz.

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me
like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
120mph, killing me instantly.

Mrs B. Essex (late).

The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.

If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.

D Evans, London .

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting
people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours
community service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.

Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London
beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.

George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Brain, Braintree .

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?

K Libretto, Welling