Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
EVG, hi...
I'm sorry... you are a prove that wheels are not good to health.
Wow... Too much wheels... Are you one more sad case of wheellaholism?
I'm a month younger and I'm not that bad!
BTW, what a nurse you got... better than mine...:)
Take care!
murilO
I'm sorry... you are a prove that wheels are not good to health.
Wow... Too much wheels... Are you one more sad case of wheellaholism?
I'm a month younger and I'm not that bad!
BTW, what a nurse you got... better than mine...:)
Take care!
murilO
re: Jokes
EVJ,
yep... I still have a lot to learn... too young...
But in these nurses case, I already got this:
- before one lose this energy, one need to have it...
Quite different than plenty gravity... one become conservative... :[
regs. M°
yep... I still have a lot to learn... too young...
But in these nurses case, I already got this:
- before one lose this energy, one need to have it...
Quite different than plenty gravity... one become conservative... :[
regs. M°
re: Jokes - spare five minutes
Man with one arm
A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed
because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two
arms.One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to
jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad
he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his
life and h e now knew he coul d make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He replied,
"I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.
He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.
Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
"Say, Pop," said the boy.
"Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just screwed the brown cow!"
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.
"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow."
The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!"
"Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "pointing at Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie!"
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am. "It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you. "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit. "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone else in senior management."
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears full-arm glove to "deliver" the medicine.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work…….
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean. and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............
"****, I'm pissed."
The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said,
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted......
A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no.
I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed
because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two
arms.One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit
suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to
jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the
sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked
closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself?
I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad
he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly,
useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his
life and h e now knew he coul d make it with one arm if that guy could
do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?" He replied,
"I'm NOT happy; my ass itches."
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
"I know that smart-alec Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."
"Not Tex," said the second. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello."
"I know Tex better than any of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now!"
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"
It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch.
He turns around and there she is, scowlng at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.
They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it.
Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"
Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning!"
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy.
After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
"Say, Pop," said the boy.
"Yes," replied his father.
"The bull just screwed the brown cow!"
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.
"Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow."
The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!"
"Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"
A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at Indian.
Dog: "Yep"
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: shows look of disbelief
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? "pointing at Indian.
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Indian: shows total look of amazement
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep Lie!"
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,
"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,
"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.
The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -
"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am. "It's quite OK," replied the snake. Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you. "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit. "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and smooth, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either an accountant, or possibly someone else in senior management."
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to take her dose orally, so a Cal pharmacologist developed a suppository.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame. Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears full-arm glove to "deliver" the medicine.
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work…….
It was spring in the old west.
The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.
As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
“Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.
He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...
"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean. and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............
"****, I'm pissed."
The Polite way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said,
"Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying,
"That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said,
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher fainted......
A real story by a Man who was standing in a queue in Tesco's.........
I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no.
I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??
-
bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
There I was on my way to Wal-Mart... getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind ... wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood ... and then ... I rear-ended a car.
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
............. and that's when the fight started....
Steve
So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car ... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?
Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it .. he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'
............. and that's when the fight started....
Steve
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein
re: Jokes
fine... fine... fine...
last week has being profitable for this thread!
8))))))
last week has being profitable for this thread!
8))))))
re: Jokes
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it is as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the Union Jack are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the shit... It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.
And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be ..... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now let's see..... our government gives out free food, subsidised housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the Union Jack are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
If you agree, pass it on; if not, continue cleaning up the shit!
re: Jokes
From one of the boys on the Milkovic team.
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
Ed Zachary Disease
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr. Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose. ' The woman did as she was told. 'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary diease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.' Worried the woman asked anxiously 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?'
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.'
re: Jokes
Trevie,
hello!
My 2£...
This is not a joke, Trevie, this is called xenofobie - alergy to strangers.
Xenofobie has two sides of pain, depending if one is bird or not. It hurts plenty at all sides.
The change of lands and xenofobie have being rough, sad, unhappy, dangerous, stressing, but overall very wild and primary, since started at some 100,000 years.
As someone that is stable in my third world country, I may be considered an outsider, and this allows me to tell what happens with you in this situation: Trevie, you are afraid and in fear, since you face stuffs and people that you just do not understand well.
You in fear and angry and they in defensive and confused... an old game of losers thay plays in most of countries. Doyou have an idea about the decision to abandone your own country?
Should this be also an interesting theme: your meditation about the good times - indeed good times - when your country, first grade colonialist, just went to take everything from everywhere, dominating those inferior bird races in their own land.
Maybe, you may recognize as a karma opperation the fact that these people, birds, come now to the mother colonial house...
I'm sincerely very sorry...
Murilo SP may/29th
hello!
My 2£...
This is not a joke, Trevie, this is called xenofobie - alergy to strangers.
Xenofobie has two sides of pain, depending if one is bird or not. It hurts plenty at all sides.
The change of lands and xenofobie have being rough, sad, unhappy, dangerous, stressing, but overall very wild and primary, since started at some 100,000 years.
As someone that is stable in my third world country, I may be considered an outsider, and this allows me to tell what happens with you in this situation: Trevie, you are afraid and in fear, since you face stuffs and people that you just do not understand well.
You in fear and angry and they in defensive and confused... an old game of losers thay plays in most of countries. Doyou have an idea about the decision to abandone your own country?
Should this be also an interesting theme: your meditation about the good times - indeed good times - when your country, first grade colonialist, just went to take everything from everywhere, dominating those inferior bird races in their own land.
Maybe, you may recognize as a karma opperation the fact that these people, birds, come now to the mother colonial house...
I'm sincerely very sorry...
Murilo SP may/29th
re: Jokes
MY wife sent this to me.
A man breaks into a house to look for money and
> > guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
> > guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
> > homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
> > her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
> > bathroom.
> >
> > While he's in there, the husband whispers
> > over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped
> > convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
> > of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
> > saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
> > resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you.
> > Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
> >
> > 'This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he
> > gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
> > love you!'
> >
> > His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my
> > neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's
> > gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
> > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
> > honey. I love you, too.
A man breaks into a house to look for money and
> > guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the
> > guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the
> > homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of
> > her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
> > bathroom.
> >
> > While he's in there, the husband whispers
> > over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped
> > convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot
> > of time in prison and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
> > saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't
> > resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you.
> > Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
> >
> > 'This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he
> > gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I
> > love you!'
> >
> > His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my
> > neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's
> > gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any
> > Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong
> > honey. I love you, too.
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
re: Jokes
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of th e students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell , let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freeze s
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, there
by proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now
have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of th e students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once
a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell , let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as
they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase
exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freeze s
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,'
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic
and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that
since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any
more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, there
by proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last
night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
re: Jokes
A riddle for the Ages; You can not buy it, you can not mine it. It will find you, and it must be free, yet sometimes comes with a cost. You can not see hear feel taste or smell it, but on the reverse you can do all five. It has more value than gold or silver and yet must be given away and hoarded at the same time!!! What is IT?????
mak
re: Jokes
A riddle for the Ages; You can not buy it, you can not mine it. It will find you, and it must be free, yet sometimes comes with a cost. You can not see hear feel taste or smell it, but on the reverse you can do all five. It has more value than gold or silver and yet must be given away and hoarded at the same time!!! What is IT?????
Gravity.
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan