Jokes

[murilo]

yes, u're right, and i'm so sorry for that!
i got confused... we have so many diferent times in this forum!
u may be sure that on next 08/08/08 it will be as u wish! ;]
cheers! m.

[rlortie]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

Bartender: "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

Pirate: "Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon
ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender: "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What
happened to your hand?"

Pirate: "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got
into a sword fight. My hand was cut off, then I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender: "What about that eye patch?"

Pirate: "Oh, one day w e were at sea and a flock of birds flew
over I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you lost an eye just from bird crap."

Pirate: "It was my first day with the hook."

[trevie]

yes, u're right, and i'm so sorry for that!
i got confused... we have so many diferent times in this forum!
u may be sure that on next 08/08/08 it will be as u wish! ;]
cheers! m.

Well you can do it for the next month, next year as I am sure 08-08-08 will never come around again..

just in case you were wondering which day that would be then it would be

09-09-09 + 9th hour of the 9th minute at the 9th second.. put it in your diary! :)

[murilo]

Nope, Mr Knowledged... nope!
Sorry... my deal is for 08/08/2108...
( pls remember me about. :]
BTW, this joke of the pirate is great!
I'll translate it to friends!
regs. M.

[rlortie]

The Newfie Pub



"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy the fifth drink.

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

[trevie]

Nope, Mr Knowledged... nope!
Sorry... my deal is for 08/08/2108...
( pls remember me about. :]
BTW, this joke of the pirate is great!
I'll translate it to friends!
regs. M.

Well I hope I will be around to see it then..as I will be 138 years of age then.

[murilo]

Let's say, in order to acomplish this deal, there are some risks to face.
Life is hard!
I'll be there, at 156!
So, take care...
M.

[rlortie]

My new car!

I bought a new Lexus 350, but returned to the dealer the
Next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Nelson", the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued....and "On The Road Again" came from
The speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!" and in an instant, "Georgia On
My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music. If I said, "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed my new
Lexus, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, "Ass Hole!"

Immediately, "Hail To The Chief" began playing.

I LOVE THIS CAR!!

[murilo]

A divorced woman had in hands a list of dentists, since she needed a check.

Then... surprize! There was a name that she knew very well!

There was the name of her secret love at school... her secret and innocent love... there was him... why not go to him?

Was have happen to that little boy in these so many years?

Was him conserved well?

Thin? Too fat? Effected too much by the hard life?

Poor love... she just couldn't resist to see him...

Who knows what could happen? Maybe a pure refreshed mature love?...

And she waited to the consult for some 10 days, and very worry about how good or fine he could be after these more than 40 years!

At the day, there she was, shinning and extremely nervous, at the room waiting for the doctor dentist...

Here he comes... and she thinks:

( ''Oh... My God! I almost can't recognize him! He's damaged! Poor of my secret love... what worry to him... what have people done to him???'')

But they started to talk, and she, nervously, asked if he have been in that old school, nowdays reformed and with another name, George Wise Budh, and he got very, but very impressed and told to her:

''Wow... but what a memory you have may lady! What a memory! Yes I have being a puppil there! And you, was you there maibe a teacher?''

[murilo]

( first hand joke )

A rare case of a blonde girl thinking:

''... hmmm... I heard that some people just can't shew a gum and step a stair...''

''... hmmm... how can I know without a try?''

''... ok... I'll try...''

''... but for the start, I'll try in an escalator...''

[trevie]

From our own correspondent


Gordon Brown flies into Washington, still an unknown quantity to most people in the U.S. despite his bizarre appearance on American Idol recently.
In advance of the trip, profiles of the Prime Minister have been appearing in the U.S.
This column tuned in by satellite to Eye-Witness News, Palm Beach , for a preview of the visit:

'Good morning America , how are you? This is your favourite son, Chad Hanging, reporting.
The President of Englandland, Norman Brown, is arriving in our nation's capital this afternoon to meet with President Bush.
But just who is this guy? Let's cross to our special correspondent Brit Limey.'

Hey, Chad . As you can see, I'm standing in the world-famous Trafalgar Circus, with the House of Fayed directly behind me.

So what can you tell us about Norman Brown?

Well, Chad , he has been President for some nine months now. He used to be Chancellor.

What, you mean he's, like, German?

No, that's what they call their Treasury Secretary over here.

And is he a Conservative, like President Tony Blair?

No, Chad . He's Labour. President Blair wasn't a Conservative, either. He only pretended to be.

So how did Brown get the job?

He just kept shouting at President Blair until he stood down.

But he won an election, right?

No, Chad , there wasn't an election. He did think about calling one, but decided against it because he was frightened he might lose.

How can you change Presidents without having an election? I mean, it's not like President Blair was assassinated.

That's just the way it works in Englandland. The leader of the party with the most seats in the House of Lords gets to be President.

So Norman Brown was elected leader of the Labour Party?

Negative again Chad , he did raise money and have a leadership campaign, but no one stood against him.

What, nobody? No primaries, no general election, nothing?

That's affirmative, Chad .

Let me get this straight. His party hasn't elected him, the country hasn't elected him, yet he still gets to be President. Sounds like a tinpot Commie dictatorship to me.

You could say that Chad . Norman Brown doesn't really like anyone being given the chance to vote on anything.

Someone must have voted for him, some time.

Oh, yes. He was elected to the House of Lords by his constituents in Scotlandland.

He's Scoddish, then?

That's a big Ten-Four, Chad.

So is he President of Scotlandland, too?

No, that's a guy called Alan Salmon.

Hang on, if Brown's from Scotlandland, how can he be President of Englandland?

That's just the way it goes in this crazy country, Chad . Brown can make laws for Englandland, but not for his own people in Scotlandland.
Not that it matters much because Brown has signed away most of Englandland's lawmaking powers to unelected European bureaucrats in Brussels , Belgiumland.

That would be like stripping Congress of the power to make laws in America and handing it over to Mexico !!

I guess so.

How in the Hell did the people of Englandland vote for that.

They didn't. Brown wouldn't let them, even though it was a solemn promise in his party's manifesto the last time people were allowed to vote.

Couldn't the Supreme Court have stopped him?

Not really. The Supreme Court of Englandland is now in Strasbourg , you know, where the geese come from.

Isn't there any opposition?

There's a guy called Boris.

Sounds Russian.

I wouldn't be surprised, Chad . There are millions of Eastern Europeans living here now, mainly in Peterburl.
Englandland has seen mass immigration over the past ten years, but no one voted for that, either.

What in the name of Ulysses S. Grant is going on over there, Brit?
We're talking about the country which gave us Magna Carta, saw off the Armada, stood alone against Hitler and invented parliamentary democracy.
How does Norman Brown get away with it?
He must be one popular guy.

Far from it Chad . According to the latest opinion polls, he's the most unpopular President ever. His approval ratings are even worse than George Dubya Bush.
There's talk about him having to stand down soon. He's already promised the job to some guy who works for him - name of Balls.

Say again, Brit, you're breaking up.

Balls.

You're damn right there, buddy.

[AB Hammer]

This was forwarded to me by my wife.


Old Timer Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[broli]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...I rarely laugh at jokes on the net because there are so many but that one managed to do the trick. Good job.

[scott]

I agree, best joke in a while. Thanks for raising the bar Alan.
-Scott

[bluesgtr44]

Rather long but funny......



ST. PETER'S GATE

Itwas getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change theadmittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven,you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policywould go into effect at noon the next day.

So,the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. TheAngel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,'Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going whenyou died.'

'No problem, the man said. 'I came hometo my 25Th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife havingan affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately begansearching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as Isearched the entire apartment.

Just as I was aboutto give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed thatthere was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve ofthat guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingersuntil he fell to the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.'

TheAngel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have abad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, 'OK, sir.Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump.

'Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.'

Trump said, 'No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony ofmy 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under alot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. Iguess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell overthe side!

Luckily,I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine.But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hitsome trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn'tdie right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground , unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.'

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story.
'I could get used to this new policy,' he thinks to himself.
'Very well,' the Angel announces. 'Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven' and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughtsof assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally hesays, 'Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.'

Clinton says, 'OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......


Steve