Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
With a campaign this long, it had to happen sometime. John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
A few minutes later, the second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How
about you?'... McCain replied,'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a
word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation,
for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his
chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,'
A few minutes later, the second barber turned to McCain and said, 'How
about you?'... McCain replied,'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'
re: Jokes
Ah... aah... aaaahhh... Really good one.
I translated this barber-shop case to my small list!
Since it was a free translation, I translated McCain as Obama and vice-versa...
Ah, aaahh... very nice!
I translated this barber-shop case to my small list!
Since it was a free translation, I translated McCain as Obama and vice-versa...
Ah, aaahh... very nice!
re: Jokes
URGENT WARNING..........
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON TUESDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
DON’T WORRY, YOU ARE SAFE! I'M JUST POSTING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE!! LOL
ALIENS ARE COMING TO EARTH ON TUESDAY AND THEIR MISSION IS TO ABDUCT ALL GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.
DON’T WORRY, YOU ARE SAFE! I'M JUST POSTING YOU TO SAY GOODBYE!! LOL
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
re: Jokes
A perfect example of 'ridiculous', but you'd love to be the one who wrote the response letter.
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skil lful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
The Dam
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy's response is hilarious, but read State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2009.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.
Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/07 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skil lful use of natures building materials 'debris.'
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.
(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.
If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2009? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU,
RYAN DEVRIES
& THE DAM BEAVERS
re: Jokes
An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a construction site.
On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian,' You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Irishman he says,' You're in charge of shoveling.' To the Chinese man he says, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He tells them that he has to go somewhere and when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, 'I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear I no finda him.'
The foreman then turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
'Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him.'
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLIES !'
On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian,' You're in charge of sweeping.'
To the Irishman he says,' You're in charge of shoveling.' To the Chinese man he says, 'You're in charge of supplies.'
He tells them that he has to go somewhere and when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched.
'Why didn't you sweep any of it?' he asks the Italian.
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, 'I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear I no finda him.'
The foreman then turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
'Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him.'
The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,
'SUPPLIES !'
re: Jokes
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and
over.
Such was his fate in hell.
"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
re: Jokes
Another use for Windex
I haven't checked ' snopes.com' to see if this actually works, but they say If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.
I haven't checked ' snopes.com' to see if this actually works, but they say If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.
re: Jokes
I don't know, but this case should be already in this thread!
In a large bar, there was a ventriloquist with his show!
He was telling hundreds of jokes about blonde girls... really fine!
Suddenly a blond girl waked and shouts strongly and very upset:
- You and your jokes... you disgrace my life... you make people laugh on my face... I can find no jobs... people call me stupid... you advertise against my normal way of life...
At this point the ventriloquist says:
-Oh, miss... Please... I'm very sorry...
And then, she still very angry interrups to him and says:
- Stay quiet stupid! I'm not talking to you... I'm talking to this little guy on your knees!
In a large bar, there was a ventriloquist with his show!
He was telling hundreds of jokes about blonde girls... really fine!
Suddenly a blond girl waked and shouts strongly and very upset:
- You and your jokes... you disgrace my life... you make people laugh on my face... I can find no jobs... people call me stupid... you advertise against my normal way of life...
At this point the ventriloquist says:
-Oh, miss... Please... I'm very sorry...
And then, she still very angry interrups to him and says:
- Stay quiet stupid! I'm not talking to you... I'm talking to this little guy on your knees!
re: Jokes
Q: What did the man with no ass, say to the man with no face?
A: Why am I talking to myself?
A: Why am I talking to myself?
meChANical Man.
--------------------
"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
--------------------
"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
re: Jokes
Two Collage kids where talking after the party. The first one said I had a great time with the girl he pick up and ask the second kid, how about you? The second kid said I would have been better off with a playboy magazine in the bathroom. The first kid ask Wo! what was her name? the second kid said Bill.
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
re: Jokes
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing!
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing!
re: Jokes
The scene is this: a man in hospital bed is dying and says his last words!
At his side, his old wife is crying... ;(..................
The man look at her and says:
- Oh... here you are at my side... how long I took to recognize your importance and presence in my life...
- ( she just crys.) ;(.............................................
- I remember you allway at my side...
- ( she ) ;(............................................
- At my side when I lost the dady's factory to some lawyers... there you was....
- ;(.......................
- At my side when I lost my new plane just before contract insurance...
- ;(.......................................................................
- Incredible... you strong and firm at my side when our only son married to another man... shutting down our dinasty...
- ;(..............................................................................................
- You was there, at my side when the fire killed to my five champion horses...
- ;(..............................
- At my side in my last moments...Oh, God... now I see... now I recognize... how hazardous you are!!!
At his side, his old wife is crying... ;(..................
The man look at her and says:
- Oh... here you are at my side... how long I took to recognize your importance and presence in my life...
- ( she just crys.) ;(.............................................
- I remember you allway at my side...
- ( she ) ;(............................................
- At my side when I lost the dady's factory to some lawyers... there you was....
- ;(.......................
- At my side when I lost my new plane just before contract insurance...
- ;(.......................................................................
- Incredible... you strong and firm at my side when our only son married to another man... shutting down our dinasty...
- ;(..............................................................................................
- You was there, at my side when the fire killed to my five champion horses...
- ;(..............................
- At my side in my last moments...Oh, God... now I see... now I recognize... how hazardous you are!!!