Math
This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. Experience.
Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
'REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE
ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS
ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM'
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to Earth for a time.
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
When he returned, the angel told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So he decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
No?
Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either...
re: Jokes
CALVIN - In The Best of Bill Watterson ( a truly genius )
First box, mother louds:
''Who have done all this mess here?''
Second box, Calvin says:
''It wasn't me, mom... it was... han... it was...
Third box, Calvin keeps explaining:
''It was a little venusian man... horrible... that materialized himself in the kitchen... took a diabolic micro-wave weapon and pointed it to several objects and...''
Fourth box, sad Calvin, shut in bedroom says:
''The mothers are the necessity of the inventions...''
( genius! :)
First box, mother louds:
''Who have done all this mess here?''
Second box, Calvin says:
''It wasn't me, mom... it was... han... it was...
Third box, Calvin keeps explaining:
''It was a little venusian man... horrible... that materialized himself in the kitchen... took a diabolic micro-wave weapon and pointed it to several objects and...''
Fourth box, sad Calvin, shut in bedroom says:
''The mothers are the necessity of the inventions...''
( genius! :)
re: Jokes
Tragedy: You Must Read This
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Seattle courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Seattle Seahawks. whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Seattle courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody
law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the
degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Seattle Seahawks. whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
re: Jokes
Every time I have heard someone yell, something is in my eye. I look around and I see a finger in there eye. It has never failed.
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
re: Jokes
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom . Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!'
His friend looks at him and says, ' Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard in to the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY?! And she acts like she's sound asleep!!
It works every time!'
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, and take my shoes off before I go into the house. I sneak up the stairs, and get undressed in the bathroom . Then I stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I tiptoe into the bedroom and ease into bed. My wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!'
His friend looks at him and says, ' Well, you're obviously taking the
wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard in to the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, WHO'S HORNY?! And she acts like she's sound asleep!!
It works every time!'
re: Jokes
Rlortie,
hi!
Fine... just fine!
I'm afraid that, up to now, this is the very best 2009 joke! :))))
Haha... I'll translate it to some friends! :)
Cheers!
M.
hi!
Fine... just fine!
I'm afraid that, up to now, this is the very best 2009 joke! :))))
Haha... I'll translate it to some friends! :)
Cheers!
M.
re: Jokes
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered Up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got To shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a Disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- We'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much Snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see Snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> December 14
Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't Realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, But I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very Cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all Day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're Lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about Buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me forty-five minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to Hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
> December 23
Two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and Beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop Last night. Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 2
I Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
December 8 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic Sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a Boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered Up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got To shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a Disappointment! My
neighbor tells me not to worry- We'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much Snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see Snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
> December 14
Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. The Temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed Up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't Realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, But I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
Twenty inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The Wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very Cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I Should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling! Took all Day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're Lying.
Called the only hardware store around to see about Buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying.
Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more Inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me forty-five minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to Hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
> December 23
Two inches of snow today. And it warmed up to zero. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snow Plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and Beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish Shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 Miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!
Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.
December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop Last night. Snowed in The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.
The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
Ten more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 2
I Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
re: Jokes
Perhaps the appropriate response for deserving threads gone bad.
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=ve4PR ... re=related
http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=ve4PR ... re=related
meChANical Man.
--------------------
"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
--------------------
"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
re: Jokes
A very beautiful and poor girl married to a really great fish from the world of high capital.
After some months of living together, the woman finds to her father and strongly complain, loud and upset.
She says that it will be impossible to keep married with that guy.
The father trys to bring arguments to her.
``Is he maybe a gay?``
``Never! Never! I wish he was a gay!``
``Darling be calm... he`s so rich... our new farm cover part of two states...
We won a large jet just to travel...``
``He`s a stupid!``
``Darling... remember he gave me a Rolls Royce SUV... tell me, darling... tell me what is going on...``
``Dad... he wants to make sex everyday... e v e r y d a y ... terrible!!!``
`` Wow! Great, darling... what the big deal? We are changing our boat...``
``Dad... he`s mad... he wants to make anal sex and e v e r y d a y...``
``But... but...``
``I remember, dad... that before that my back little thing was so virgin... so small... just like a 5 cents coin... NOW! NOW! It has the size of one dollar coin... j u s t t e r r i b l e ....``
``Darling... what is the problem? You are at the point of finish you marriage due to a mean difference of 95 cents!?!?!``
After some months of living together, the woman finds to her father and strongly complain, loud and upset.
She says that it will be impossible to keep married with that guy.
The father trys to bring arguments to her.
``Is he maybe a gay?``
``Never! Never! I wish he was a gay!``
``Darling be calm... he`s so rich... our new farm cover part of two states...
We won a large jet just to travel...``
``He`s a stupid!``
``Darling... remember he gave me a Rolls Royce SUV... tell me, darling... tell me what is going on...``
``Dad... he wants to make sex everyday... e v e r y d a y ... terrible!!!``
`` Wow! Great, darling... what the big deal? We are changing our boat...``
``Dad... he`s mad... he wants to make anal sex and e v e r y d a y...``
``But... but...``
``I remember, dad... that before that my back little thing was so virgin... so small... just like a 5 cents coin... NOW! NOW! It has the size of one dollar coin... j u s t t e r r i b l e ....``
``Darling... what is the problem? You are at the point of finish you marriage due to a mean difference of 95 cents!?!?!``
re: Jokes
Some Auzzy humour :D
A bloke gets a call from the casualty department of his local hospital asking him to come in immediately - his wife's been in a terrible car accident - he rushes in to be greeted by a very solemn doctor at the main desk who takes his arm & tells him to sit down - the doctor then says that his wife has sustained terrible physical injuries but that in time they will completely heal - the bloke asks if he can see his wife once she's out of surgery - the doc says he of course can but his wife is also in a coma - then the doc says he better quit his job & stay home to look after his wife, he'll need to wash her, toilet her 5 times a day, feed her thru a straw & read to her - he'll need to get the kids up, make their breakfast, get them too & from school, do the shopping & clean the house, cook the meals & pay the bills - the bloke contemplates this misfortune for a moment before rebounding back & excitedly asks - how long will she be in a coma for doc ? - the rest of her long life the doc answers gravely - the guy looks despondent at the prospect - nah, just kidding, quips the doc - she's dead mate !
A bloke gets a call from the casualty department of his local hospital asking him to come in immediately - his wife's been in a terrible car accident - he rushes in to be greeted by a very solemn doctor at the main desk who takes his arm & tells him to sit down - the doctor then says that his wife has sustained terrible physical injuries but that in time they will completely heal - the bloke asks if he can see his wife once she's out of surgery - the doc says he of course can but his wife is also in a coma - then the doc says he better quit his job & stay home to look after his wife, he'll need to wash her, toilet her 5 times a day, feed her thru a straw & read to her - he'll need to get the kids up, make their breakfast, get them too & from school, do the shopping & clean the house, cook the meals & pay the bills - the bloke contemplates this misfortune for a moment before rebounding back & excitedly asks - how long will she be in a coma for doc ? - the rest of her long life the doc answers gravely - the guy looks despondent at the prospect - nah, just kidding, quips the doc - she's dead mate !
re: Jokes
A sign of the times.......
Young Paddy, moved to Donegal and bought a Donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said,
'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Sorry I can't do that, I went and spent it already.'
Paddy said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are ya gonna do with him?
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 a piece and made a profit of €898.00.'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Only the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Irish Government
re: Jokes
A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says:
``Doc... I have a serious trouble... i have double personality...``
`` Hmmmm...``.
``Yes, Doc... serious... during all day long I`m a normal person... but at night, Doc... I`m a gay... you know... a gay...``
Then Doc says:
``Hmmmm... I guess that we four will get a deal...``
``Doc... I have a serious trouble... i have double personality...``
`` Hmmmm...``.
``Yes, Doc... serious... during all day long I`m a normal person... but at night, Doc... I`m a gay... you know... a gay...``
Then Doc says:
``Hmmmm... I guess that we four will get a deal...``
re: Jokes
Subject: The Doctor Is In....
Doctor Wang Woo Joo MD
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Doctor Wang Woo Joo MD
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND.....
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.