Andy Sandburg, The lonely Island.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
meChANical Man.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
re: Jokes
meChANical Man.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
re: Jokes
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides
to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat,
and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My vife is from Nordakota.'
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides
to buy the cow.
When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat,
and see vat happens.'
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.
Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?'
Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
Sven says, 'My vife is from Nordakota.'
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
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bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
I found these rather humorous.....
Steve
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Steve
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein
re: Jokes
It was the first day of school in the USA for a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian who entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, in 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, in 2004."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"
AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, in 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, in 1863," said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Damn those Indians."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, in 1862."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, in 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, in 1997!"
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, in 2004."
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"
AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."
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justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2098
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
LOL!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Ralph.
re: Jokes
''And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're screwed!"
AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."
I'm not alone... it's incredible as million of persons can not see that all internal and external crap was done by Bush and his irresponsible gang!
It's unbelievable that you can not see that ANY new perspective can be much better than the state left by them!
Take care!
AND CHANDRASEKHAR SAID QUIETLY, "I THINK IT WAS THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, NOVEMBER 4, 2008."
I'm not alone... it's incredible as million of persons can not see that all internal and external crap was done by Bush and his irresponsible gang!
It's unbelievable that you can not see that ANY new perspective can be much better than the state left by them!
Take care!
re: Jokes
This one is with Doc in mind!
Wooden leg insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri from Texas .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas,It cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agent to see
How much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
Sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe It!'
(Those “Show Me Missourians know how to git 'ER done", don't they?)
Wooden leg insurance
A man and his wife, moved back home to Missouri from Texas .
The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas,It cost them $2000 per year!
When they arrived in Missouri , they went to an insurance agent to see
How much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Missouri to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas !
The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
Sprinkler system above it, is $39. You just have to know how to describe It!'
(Those “Show Me Missourians know how to git 'ER done", don't they?)
re: Jokes
Greek story
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued.
"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife
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Jonny C. Krets
- Enthusiast
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Sat May 10, 2008 1:35 pm
- Location: USA
re: Jokes
Tell this one to you Wife. This is why it's called a waist.
God created Adam and then Eve.
Adam looked at Eve and pointed to her belly button and said "WAIST" as he looked up a God.
Confused God then asked Adam what he meant.
Adam replied pointing to Eve's belly button area "That is a Waist".
"There's room there for another set of boobs!"
Can't you just see God smacking his forehead and saying "Now why didn't I think of that"
God created Adam and then Eve.
Adam looked at Eve and pointed to her belly button and said "WAIST" as he looked up a God.
Confused God then asked Adam what he meant.
Adam replied pointing to Eve's belly button area "That is a Waist".
"There's room there for another set of boobs!"
Can't you just see God smacking his forehead and saying "Now why didn't I think of that"
A M A K E R S T R A I N I N G