My son always say PMS means
Pause, Mistake, Skedaddle.
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
Part of my civil/military schooling included three weeks at the US Army Corps of Engineers research and proving facility located in Vicksburg Mississippi. http://www.erdc.usace.army.mil/
The military loves acronyms, here I learned that PMS stands for:
Preventative Maintenance Scheduling.
The military loves acronyms, here I learned that PMS stands for:
Preventative Maintenance Scheduling.
Last edited by rlortie on Sat Aug 29, 2009 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
re: Jokes
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.�
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.�
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.�
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor…. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.�
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.�
“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.�
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.�
“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.�
“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.�
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor…. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.�
“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.�
“And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.�
re: Jokes
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop [GC] says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer [LL] says, "What for?"
GG says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
LL says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
GC says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
LL says, "What's the difference?"
GC says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
LL says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
GC says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop [GC] says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer [LL] says, "What for?"
GG says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
LL says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
GC says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
LL says, "What's the difference?"
GC says, "The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
LL says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
GC says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
re: Jokes
The Hotel Bill
My new wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince
George .
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.
I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them.'
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
My new wife and I were traveling by car from Victoria to Prince
George .
After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue,
and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours
later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.
I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.
I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly
aren't worth $350.00
Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'.
I insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for us to use.
'But we didn't use them.'
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for
which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New
York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply,
'But we didn't use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.
I write a cheque and give it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.
'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
re: Jokes
JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t.....
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time .." -
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t.....
re: Jokes
A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in there.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy
and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is.."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game
of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in
to the confessional and closes the door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
Weeks later, it happens that the boy
and the lover find themselves in the closet again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is.."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove"
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Sold."
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game
of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says "$1,000."
The Dad says, "That's terrible to rip off your
friends like that...that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession".
In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in
to the confessional and closes the door..
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again;
you're in my closet now."
re: Jokes
A cowboy and his new wife had just got married and found
a nice hotel in for their wedding night.
The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room
with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal"?
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
''Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.''
a nice hotel in for their wedding night.
The cowboy approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room
with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal"?
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
''Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.''
re: Jokes
A psychiatric patient takes an inkblot test.
The doc says, ok, what does this remind you of?
Sex
Ok, says the doc, how about this one?
Sex
Ok, says the doc, what about this next one?
Sex
Well, says the doctor, you certainly seem to have a preoccupation with sex.
Wadda you mean, doc? You're the one showing all the dirty pictures!
The doc says, ok, what does this remind you of?
Sex
Ok, says the doc, how about this one?
Sex
Ok, says the doc, what about this next one?
Sex
Well, says the doctor, you certainly seem to have a preoccupation with sex.
Wadda you mean, doc? You're the one showing all the dirty pictures!
re: Jokes
How we do Laundry in Ohio "
One day a busy house wife's husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied.. "What does it say on the shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Michigan. "
"Use Hot Water , ½ box of Tide and 4 cups of bleach."
GO BUCKS!!!!!
One day a busy house wife's husband decided to wash his own sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied.. "What does it say on the shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Michigan. "
"Use Hot Water , ½ box of Tide and 4 cups of bleach."
GO BUCKS!!!!!
re: Jokes
THE PREACHER'S SON
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself.
'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.
'He's gonna run for Congress.'
re: Jokes
COURAGE?
What is the meaning of courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a Formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel?
See next post
What is the meaning of courage?
Is it to fight a bull in a bullfight?
Is it to drive a Formula 1 car?
Is it to fly a fighter in combat?
Is it to practice free falling parachuting?
Is it bungee jumping, wild water rafting?
Is it to gamble your salary on a coin toss?
Is it to insult the doorman in a bar?
Is it to insult your boss?
Is it to go on a defective Ferris wheel?
See next post
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan