Good one Ed, I am still smiling, although that may not be what you had in mind! LOL
Ralph
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
Yes, it was intended as a joke. :-)
re: Jokes
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it..'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'..
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned....
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it..'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*One day I was walking down the beach with
some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff....'
They Walk Among Us!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'..
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car boot.
They Walk Among Us!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman
with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
remain the same distance apart no
matter which way the head is turned....
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and.
went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and
the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
re: Jokes
OK ED, it is now in the 'Jokes' thread.
By Lisa Vorderbrueggen
Monday, April 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am in Joke of the day, political humor.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
Quote:
Note to readers: This is a joke
The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
By Lisa Vorderbrueggen
Monday, April 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am in Joke of the day, political humor.
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
Quote:
Note to readers: This is a joke
The new element, Governmentium(Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years; It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
re: Jokes
In the House of Representatives, President Obama stands at a podium with John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi on either side of him, along with Blackberries in hand.
President Obama wrote:Well, all right, I'd like to call this session to or-diddely-order. Let's see if we can't put an end to this health care fuss, huh? Mrs. Pelosi, why don't you begin?
John Boehner wrote:Boo!
Nancy Pelosi wrote:Oh, "boo" yourself. Our plans are simple: a small public option and some better medical equipment and supplies for your health care.
Constituents wrote:Yeah! Give it to them! etc.
John Boehner wrote:Yeah, in a dream world. We have a very tight budget; to do what she's asking, we'd have to raise taxes.
Constituents wrote:Raise taxes? They're too high as they are. Taxes are bad. etc.
Nancy Pelosi wrote:It's your health.
Constituents wrote:That's right. Health is important. etc.
John Boehner wrote:It'll cost you.
Constituents wrote:No to taxes. My God, they're going to raise taxes. etc.
Nancy Pelosi wrote:C'mon!
Constituents wrote:She makes a good case. Good point. etc.
John Boehner wrote:[rubs his fingertips together]
Constituents wrote:More taxes? The finger thing means the taxes. etc.
President Obama wrote:Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.
John Boehner wrote:I don't agree to that.
-- So much for being conciliatory, Congress DisbandsNancy Pelosi wrote:Neither do I!
re: Jokes
Here's another twist on the Beer Scam and what happens when you don't get action until after you have left the bar.
Best Come Back Line Ever...
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
This is said to have been in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever...'
Best Come Back Line Ever...
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. On Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .
'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
'A pumpkin? Shit .... Is it midnight already?'
This is said to have been in the Washington Post...the title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever...'
re: Jokes
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed
Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
Her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her
Extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence
She made a mistake, however, when she
Accused Frank, a new member, of being an
Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
Parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon. ..
She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
That every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank , a man of few words,
Stared at her for a moment and
Just turned and walked away
He didn't explain, defend, or deny
He said nothing.
Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
In front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home
. . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)
Monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking
Her nose into other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her
Extra curricular activities , but feared her
Enough to maintain their silence
She made a mistake, however, when she
Accused Frank, a new member, of being an
Alcoholic after she saw his old pickup
Parked in front of the town's
Only bar one after noon. ..
She emphatically told Frank
(and several others)
That every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank , a man of few words,
Stared at her for a moment and
Just turned and walked away
He didn't explain, defend, or deny
He said nothing.
Later that evening,
Frank quietly parked his pickup
In front of Mildred's house ...
Walked home
. . .and left it there all night !!!
(You gotta love Frank !)
re: Jokes
I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
Prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
Definitely going to S**t yourself' roadkill chili.. Tasty stuff, albeit
Hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
From me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
Fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
Of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
Through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
Symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
Refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
And began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
Until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
Pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm
Referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
Hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
Intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
Could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
Sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
In a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
Was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
Body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
Apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
Would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
Ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
Mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
Walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
Terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
Was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
Trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
But then made me laugh.. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
Down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
Burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
Was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
Someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
Through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
Way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
Place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
The inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
Ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
The middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
Gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
Bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
Cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
Approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
Minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
Which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
Me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
Cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
Prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're
Definitely going to S**t yourself' roadkill chili.. Tasty stuff, albeit
Hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
From me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL
Fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
Of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
Through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
Symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when,
I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
Refinish the den.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
And began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
Until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
Pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.. I'm
Referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to
Hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt..
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
Intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
Could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
Sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped
In a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I
Was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
Body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an red
Apron clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction
Would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you
Ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I
Mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he
Walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
Terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running,
Was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though
Trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
But then made me laugh.. .........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
Down, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
Burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
Was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
Someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off
Through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
Way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
Place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
The inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
Ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in
The middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a
Gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that
Bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled
Cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
Approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
Minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
Which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
Me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
Cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store
re: Jokes
A man and woman got in proximity at a faraway medicine Congress.
So close, that a sex intercourse came at night:
BANG!
After, the woman left the bed to take a bath.
From bed the guy looking at her, with deep interest...
Then he said:
''Darling, I bet that I already know your medicine specialty!''
''Oh, no! How could you know just observing me to shower?''
''Darling, I'm a clever guy... you are a surgeon!''
''Oh... how could?''
''I' smart... I could see how and the long time you expended brushing your hands, fingers and nails.''
''Yep... you are smart... but I also got your medicine specialty and without any hard observation ... You are an anesthetist specialist!''
''Oh... how could you get to this?''
''Easy, doctor... very easy... because we had sex and I felt nothing!''
So close, that a sex intercourse came at night:
BANG!
After, the woman left the bed to take a bath.
From bed the guy looking at her, with deep interest...
Then he said:
''Darling, I bet that I already know your medicine specialty!''
''Oh, no! How could you know just observing me to shower?''
''Darling, I'm a clever guy... you are a surgeon!''
''Oh... how could?''
''I' smart... I could see how and the long time you expended brushing your hands, fingers and nails.''
''Yep... you are smart... but I also got your medicine specialty and without any hard observation ... You are an anesthetist specialist!''
''Oh... how could you get to this?''
''Easy, doctor... very easy... because we had sex and I felt nothing!''
re: Jokes
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barrack Obama go to heaven...
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,
but that it was your will that I did not serve.
And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.
I've sinned, but I've never held a
grudge against my fellow man,
and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack.
"Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election,
but that it was your will that I did not serve.
And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness.
I've sinned, but I've never held a
grudge against my fellow man,
and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says:
"You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barrack.
"Barrack, what do you believe in?''
He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
re: Jokes
Subject: Tools Explained
This one is for Ben, he was the first to come to mind when I read it!
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"Oh, sh*t!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding
the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are
working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that
thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling,
"Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
This one is for Ben, he was the first to come to mind when I read it!
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you
had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
"Oh, sh*t!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle ...
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed
your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot
to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding
the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are
working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that
thumbnail for weeks. See: Son of a b*tch TOOL
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling,
"Son of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the
next tool that you will need.
re: Jokes
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures.Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal.... You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.One mood all the time.Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase... You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color.. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.No wonder men are happier.
meChANical Man.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
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"All things move according to the whims of the great magnet"; Hunter S. Thompson.
re: Jokes
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.