Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
:)))))))))))))
re: Jokes
Thought about posting this in the new "Ad hoc theory or occams razor" thread, but being the nice guy I am posted it here.
Please! No heavy groans or moans!
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
1. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway.One hat said to the other, 'You stay here,
I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was
taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Please! No heavy groans or moans!
1. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
1. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the
hallway.One hat said to the other, 'You stay here,
I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was
taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was,a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion.
23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
re: Jokes
Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
The Inventor
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six," in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this..." and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" declares the stranger, as he pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
"Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out," and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six," in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.
"But look at this..." and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" declares the stranger, as he pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."
re: Jokes
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Wisconsin opener when Sven pulled out
a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin'
Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching
into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his
hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
'Vell,' replied Ole, I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your
master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting
there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million
ducks... Flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin'
Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of
hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
-
nicbordeaux
- Addict
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
The Male Cycle
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
re: Jokes
This Male Cycle is that of the true current and normal persistent macho!
Many gays, sorry, guys, will give-up even before that first big tits girl! :)
A happy surplus at the end will be waiting for us... I guess, sorry, I hope... :|
Many gays, sorry, guys, will give-up even before that first big tits girl! :)
A happy surplus at the end will be waiting for us... I guess, sorry, I hope... :|
-
justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2097
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
Nick, I wish my wife was more ambitious. ;)
re: Jokes
ART GALLERY IN DUBLIN
Three Black Men
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on
a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted
the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because, I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact,
there are no black men depicted at all!
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle
went home for lunch.'
Three Black Men
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on
a park bench.
Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the
middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.
He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted
the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that
the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because, I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact,
there are no black men depicted at all!
They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle
went home for lunch.'