A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.
"$85 for an extraction, sir" was the dentist's reply.
"Och, huv ye not got anythin' cheaper?" asks the Scotsman, getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir" said the dentist.
"What about if ye din't use any anesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anesthetic" said the Scotsman.
"Well, it's possible, but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism, and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to, say, $40" said the dentist.
"Och, that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.
"Hmmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist.
"Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yoo confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?"
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.
She said, "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him, "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"
He said, "Sure, I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely." Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"
He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"
He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?"
He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."
She said, "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." She asked him, "If I died tomorrow would you get remarried?"
He said, "Sure, I don't want to spend the rest of my life lonely." Then she asked, "Well would you two live in this house?"
He replied, "Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." She asked again, angry now, "Well would she sleep in this bed?"
He snickered and said, "Yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." She asked irately, "Well would she use my golf clubs?"
He replied with a straight, serious face, "No. She's left handed."
re: Jokes
A baby seal walks into a bar, says to the tender...Ill take anything except canadian club!
HeathenForce- http://www.ultragod.com/
On the subject of Canadian jokes, I read a joke about Newfies once. I had no idea what a Newfie was so I googled and found it was a native of Newfoundland. Apparently Newfoundland occupies the same ghetto position in Canada that Mayo occupies in Ireland. One of my friends, Liam Daly, referred to them as, sounded like, Colsha Moro.
re: Jokes
A boat had problems and sunk.
Then 25 people became swimming around with their jackets, waiting for rescue.
A 12 meters white shark in company of a smaller one, a trainee, came straight to the scene, in order to get a free meal.
The larger told to the other:
''Let's just swim around them and with only a third of our fin outside water.''
After a while, he said:
''Now, let's swim with our full fin outside and let's keep surrounding them for some minutes more.''
The trainee asks about the reason for this behavior, and the 'teacher' responds:
''If they are in deep fear they will download a kind of matter, and without this matter they will became much more tasty. Believe me!''
Then 25 people became swimming around with their jackets, waiting for rescue.
A 12 meters white shark in company of a smaller one, a trainee, came straight to the scene, in order to get a free meal.
The larger told to the other:
''Let's just swim around them and with only a third of our fin outside water.''
After a while, he said:
''Now, let's swim with our full fin outside and let's keep surrounding them for some minutes more.''
The trainee asks about the reason for this behavior, and the 'teacher' responds:
''If they are in deep fear they will download a kind of matter, and without this matter they will became much more tasty. Believe me!''
-
John Collins
- Addict
- Posts: 3310
- Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 6:33 am
- Location: Warwickshire. England
- Contact:
re: Jokes
INNER PEACE
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see the things I'd started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle
of Merlot, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, a bodle of Slack Daliens, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner
peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see the things I'd started and hadn't
finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle
of Merlot, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, a bodle of Slack Daliens, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclets.
Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now.
Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr paece.
Read my blog at http://johncollinsnews.blogspot.com/
This is the link to Amy’s TikTok page - over 20 million views for one video! Look up amyepohl on google
See my blog at http://www.gravitywheel.com
This is the link to Amy’s TikTok page - over 20 million views for one video! Look up amyepohl on google
See my blog at http://www.gravitywheel.com
re: Jokes
"Yu haf no idr how bludy guod I feel rite now."
That was priceless John. :-)
-
getterdone
- Aficionado
- Posts: 683
- Joined: Tue Jul 29, 2008 12:27 pm
re: Jokes
lol, sounds like real good advice. I must have a few bottles kicking around here somewhere, I need some inner peace too.
Beer is the cause and the solution of all my problems.
re: Jokes
SIPPING VODKA
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
re: Jokes
While flying down the road, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun lying in wait on the other side. The cop pulled her over, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked 'Whats your hurry?' 'Im late for work' she replied. 'Oh yeah' said the cop 'What do you do? Im a rectum stretcher she replied. The cop stammered,'A what?' 'A rectum stretcher.' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well', she said,'I start by inserting 1 finger, then work my way up to 2, then 3, then 4, then with my whole hand in, I work it side to side until I can get both hands in. Then I slowly stretch it until its about 6ft wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6ft asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
Traffic ticket: $95
Court cost: $45
Look on cops face...
PRICELESS
Traffic ticket: $95
Court cost: $45
Look on cops face...
PRICELESS
re: Jokes
* I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian.
* She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
* Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
* The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
* The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
* When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
* If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
* There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
out to be an optical Aleutian.
* She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
* A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
* No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.
* Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
* Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
* I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
* The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
* The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
* When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
* If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
* A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
* Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
* Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
* There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
