Jokes

[murilo]

ouchhhh!!!
(me too... 8)))

[rlortie]

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

Wife asked me this morning 'what are you going to do today' I replied 'nothing' she said 'but that is what you did yesterday' I told her that I was not finished...

[Mark]

Good one, Ralph. I'll have to try to remember that come back.

--------- --- --- --- ---------

Ice Fishing --

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice amd cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[Unbalanced]

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.


Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.


Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.


Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.


Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.



Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.


Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire


Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paycheques.


Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?


Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!


Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.


Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.


Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.


Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.


Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.


Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

[DrWhat]

Nice ones :-)))

[nneba]

Unbalanced,

Those are good, in my line of work its nice to have some ammunition like such.

thx

[rlortie]

I've just heard from a friend in London.

He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.

His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.

If it doesn't stop soon, He'll probably have to let her in.

[rlortie]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a
grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'


It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam''.

[rlortie]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior . 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We
try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer
before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day
of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in
vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell
me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother
Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom
what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and
runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched
in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the
hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the
hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his
paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the f#ckin' putt, didn't you?'

[DrWhat]

What has 4 legs and an arm?
(scroll down)












A happy Rottweiler!

[Mark]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender sees this and screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff". He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", the guy replied. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

[Mark]

Pillsbury Doughboy's Obituary

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 46. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects at his funeral, including Mrs Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. Captain Crunch sent his apologies. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy in the graveyard and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who did not realize how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Playa Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they have one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:25 for about 15 minutes.

[murilo]

The madam arrives unexpectedly to her almost desert mansion!
There was just her butler, Galderio.
The situation became instantly tensile... something in the air...
She starts:
'Galderio... come up to my bedroom, right now!'
'Yes, Madam...'
'Galderio... take out my blouse!'
'Yessss...'
'Now, take my dress, Galderio...'
'Yesssss...'
'Now, take my bras!'
'Yessssssss...'
'Now, right now... take out my pants, Galderio!'
'Yes...'
'Now, Galderio... be advised... this is absolutely the last time I want to see you wearing my clothes, ok, Gauderio!'

[Mark]

for information - in regards to my last post on this thread, it was a pure coincidence that I chose that joke to post... it wasn't until the next day that I heard of "The Last Doughboy" having been laid to rest. No disrepect intended, I assure you.

(Wiki article about the term Doughboy)

[Grimer]

Whilst on the subject of jokes a recent financial blog on the Japanese reactor problems stated that it was raining cats and dogs there with radioactivity.

It brought to mind this old chestnut:

"LATE one night in a Ginza bar, a veteran executive at Nissan recounted to your correspondent the early days of exporting to America, when his firm’s cars were known abroad as Datsuns. Before being shipped, all export models went through additional inspections because the cost of fixing warranty claims so far from the factory and its supply chain would wipe out any profit made on them. On the rare occasions they did break, the parts had to be shipped in from Japan.
One day, the story goes, a plane carrying a crate of such parts lost an engine over the Midwest and had to jettison its cargo to save weight. On the ground below, a farmer noticed the debris falling from the sky. “Ah,� he mumbled to himself, “it’s raining Datsun cogs.�