Jokes

[ovyyus]

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick, "someone's stolen your car!"
Mick says, "did you see who did it?"
Paddy replies, "no, but I got the registration number!!"

[John Collins]

Love it!!!

[Grimer]

Paddy runs into the pub and shouts to Mick, "someone's stolen your car!"
Mick says, "did you see who did it?"
Paddy replies, "no, but I got the registration number!!"

I'm ashamed to say it took me some time to get that joke.

[Grimer]

Subject: presidents day

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old grandson and I asked him, "What day is tomorrow?"

He said "It's President's Day!"

He is a smart kid.

I asked "What does President's Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln ... Etc.

He replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."

You know, it hurts when coffee spurts out your nose...

Now that's a bit of American folklore I did get - only as a result of seeing the film though.

Good film. It reminded me somewhat of The Truman Show. Both films fall into the elite category of "worth watching more than once".

[ovyyus]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old grey Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the fek are you doing Mick", says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me", says an obviously embarrassed Mick, "but me and the missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor".

[Grimer]

It only took two ticks to work that one out.

[Richard]

..whew!...just got back from the ..barn...

..ahh.. I see...this was a joke...thanx Grimer

[rlortie]

Speaking of Barns!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK3Eo9cS ... ture=share

[justsomeone]

A member of this forum, that we all know, in a past lifetime.....

was a gay owl !!!

[Ealadha]

We all now know a member of this forum who is an asshole .

[rlortie]

Well! this is getting so degrading I believe I will just amuse myself by singing the 'Sour Milk Song'

Bum-titty, bum-titty, bum-titty bum!

Sure glad this is the joke thread and not Community Buzz!

[Richard]

clearly..Ralph..

..Paddy and Mick..were weaned on such..."bum titties"

richard

[Michael]

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/ebe22a ... ity?ref=nf

[path_finder]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip.
After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions of stars."
Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"
Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant.
Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

[rlortie]

While his coffeepot
MADE IN CHINA was perking

he shaved with his electric razor
MADE IN HONG KONG

He put on a dress shirt
MADE IN SRI LANKA

designer jeans
MADE IN SINGAPORE

and tennis shoes
MADE IN KOREA

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
MADE IN INDIA

he sat down with his calculator
MADE IN MEXICO
to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch
MADE IN TAIWAN

listened to the radio
MADE IN INDIA

he got in his car
MADE IN GERMANY

filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia

and continued his search
looking for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day checking his Computer
made in MALAYSIA

John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals MADE IN BRAZIL

poured himself a glass of wine
MADE IN FRANCE

and turned on his TV
MADE IN INDONESIA

and then wondered why he can't
find a good paying job in AMERICA

AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP
FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA



I don't approve of political jokes--I've seen too many of them get
elected."