Why I retired and became a self employed seeker of a working gravity wheel.
My Resume:
I wanted to be a priest, but couldn't parish the thought.
My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't
hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to
my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't
cut the mustard.
My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.
Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't
live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit
for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job
as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it
was always the same old grind.
SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
A boy is sitting in biology class. The teacher says that an interesting phenomenon in nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Suddenly, the little boy's hand shoots up.
"Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat arched his back and went "ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff!" but before the cat could say "F ** k Off!!! ................ the dog ate him".
"Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Christopher," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, just the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah, the neighbour's Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat arched his back and went "ffffffffffffff! fffffffffffffff! ffffffffffffff!" but before the cat could say "F ** k Off!!! ................ the dog ate him".
re: Jokes
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey buddy, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - given that you're blind and all - that you know five things:
#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The blonde woman sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now mister, think about it seriously - do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second... shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I gotta tell it five times."
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey buddy, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's fair - given that you're blind and all - that you know five things:
#1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
#2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
#3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
#4 - The blonde woman sitting next to me is a professional weight lifter.
#5 - The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now mister, think about it seriously - do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second... shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I gotta tell it five times."
re: Jokes
A Blonde girl goes to work one day crying because she found out her
mom had just died. Her boss asks her 'What's wrong? Why are you
crying?'. She replies 'I just found out that my mom passed away'. The
Boss decides to let her have the day off but she insists on working so
that she can keep her mind off her mom. A few hours later her boss
decides to check on her and he goes in to her office and see's her crying
histerically. He asks again 'Why are you crying?' she says 'My sister
called saying that her mom died too'.
____________________
The Porch
So, there was this blonde who wanted to buy her husband this REALLY nice gift for Valentine's day. So she decided to go around the neighborhood, asking them if they had anything that they would want her to do, and she would do it. So the first house she went to was the Anderson's. She rang their doorbell and said, Hello Mr. Anderson! Sorry to bother you, but i was wondering if you needed any chores being done, and i would be more the happy to do them for you. You see, I am trying to raise money for-Enough said , said Mr Anderson. It would be great if you would paint my porch!! there is paint in the garadge! Mrs.Anderson then said to her husband, do you think she knows that the porch goes all around the house? i mean, that may be a lot of paint. "Well sure! She was standing on the porch anyway!" Said Mr.Anderson. "it might take a while, but I am sure we have enough paint!"
In only 20 minutes she came back and said " Im finished!! And there is paint left over."
Mr. Anderson said, " Did you paint the whole porch?"
Yah. And by the way, ....Thats a Porsche, not a porch.."
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
mom had just died. Her boss asks her 'What's wrong? Why are you
crying?'. She replies 'I just found out that my mom passed away'. The
Boss decides to let her have the day off but she insists on working so
that she can keep her mind off her mom. A few hours later her boss
decides to check on her and he goes in to her office and see's her crying
histerically. He asks again 'Why are you crying?' she says 'My sister
called saying that her mom died too'.
____________________
The Porch
So, there was this blonde who wanted to buy her husband this REALLY nice gift for Valentine's day. So she decided to go around the neighborhood, asking them if they had anything that they would want her to do, and she would do it. So the first house she went to was the Anderson's. She rang their doorbell and said, Hello Mr. Anderson! Sorry to bother you, but i was wondering if you needed any chores being done, and i would be more the happy to do them for you. You see, I am trying to raise money for-Enough said , said Mr Anderson. It would be great if you would paint my porch!! there is paint in the garadge! Mrs.Anderson then said to her husband, do you think she knows that the porch goes all around the house? i mean, that may be a lot of paint. "Well sure! She was standing on the porch anyway!" Said Mr.Anderson. "it might take a while, but I am sure we have enough paint!"
In only 20 minutes she came back and said " Im finished!! And there is paint left over."
Mr. Anderson said, " Did you paint the whole porch?"
Yah. And by the way, ....Thats a Porsche, not a porch.."
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.
Last edited by racer270 on Tue Jul 25, 2006 4:26 am, edited 3 times in total.
re: Jokes
you may be a red-neck if:
1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
7.You've ever used lard in bed.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You might be a redneck if...
1.More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
2.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
3.You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
4.You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
5.Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
6.Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
7.You've ever used lard in bed.
8.Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
9.You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
10.You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
11.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
12.Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
13.You've ever been arrested for loitering.
14.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
15.There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
16.You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
17.You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
18.You own a homemade fur coat.
19.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
20.Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
21.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
22.There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
23.Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
24.There is a wasp nest in your living room.
25.The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
26.You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
27.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
28.You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You might be a redneck if...
re: Jokes
This is bizarre - after you find the guy - it's so obvious. Once you find him - it's embarrassing, and you think, Why didn't I see him immediately?
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in the coffee beans in 3 seconds, your right half of your brain is better developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and 1 minute, your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between 1 minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and you need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes, the advice is to look for more of this type of exercise to make that part of the brain stronger!!!
And, yes, the man is really there!!!
- Attachments
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John Collins
- Addict
- Posts: 3310
- Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 6:33 am
- Location: Warwickshire. England
- Contact:
re: Jokes
Well he's hiding then.
JC
JC
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John Collins
- Addict
- Posts: 3310
- Joined: Wed Nov 05, 2003 6:33 am
- Location: Warwickshire. England
- Contact:
re: Jokes
Nope - can't see him! I guess the right half of my brain is either atrophied or gone walkabout.
JC
JC
re: Jokes
It helps if you know what to look for... (A face the size of a bean.)
It took me forever to find him.
It took me forever to find him.
re: Jokes
Yup! he is there, did not use the stop watch to find him, but it was about two months ago in another post. I would say i passed the test with slightly above normal time.
I was surprised how ever for the length of time for me to spot him again even though I knew where he was at.
Ralph
I was surprised how ever for the length of time for me to spot him again even though I knew where he was at.
Ralph
Last edited by rlortie on Wed Jul 26, 2006 10:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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bluesgtr44
- Devotee
- Posts: 1970
- Joined: Sat Feb 26, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: U.S.A.
re: Jokes
...took my wife two minutes, she found it before me...dagnabit!
Steve
Steve
Finding the right solution...is usually a function of asking the right questions. -A. Einstein