A Riddle
What does a homeless man have
A rich man needs
And is what happens when you pull straight down on a wheel towards its axle
Jokes
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wheelmaster
- Enthusiast
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re: Jokes
Last edited by wheelmaster on Thu May 17, 2007 7:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
"I then reminded him to harness the horse in front."
- Johann Bessler
- Johann Bessler
re: Jokes
Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws:-
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left
by those who got there first.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left
by those who got there first.
7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
and he'll sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands
of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty
re: Jokes
Wow, Trevie... fine!
A couter atack must be done!
( first hand! )
Little John, as you know is that terrible boy at school...
The teacher says:
- Now, people, attention... let's say phrases with the small word ''but'', that we knew today. You at first, little Maurice!
- I asked to eat to my sister's apple but she said no!
- Very good! Now, you Geofrey...
- I asked for my father's screw-driver but he said no.
- You, little John... and be careful... don't be so creative in that sense we know very well... keep the same line of little Maurice and Geofrey... look out!
- Never mind, teacher, never mind... here is my phrase: all drivers screw my sister's butt... she always says yes...
A couter atack must be done!
( first hand! )
Little John, as you know is that terrible boy at school...
The teacher says:
- Now, people, attention... let's say phrases with the small word ''but'', that we knew today. You at first, little Maurice!
- I asked to eat to my sister's apple but she said no!
- Very good! Now, you Geofrey...
- I asked for my father's screw-driver but he said no.
- You, little John... and be careful... don't be so creative in that sense we know very well... keep the same line of little Maurice and Geofrey... look out!
- Never mind, teacher, never mind... here is my phrase: all drivers screw my sister's butt... she always says yes...
re: Jokes
At his request, each morning 3-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel
to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young
imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he
became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed
with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in
kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked
Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked
again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realising the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice
said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes
around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with
conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young
imaginative mind, the towel became a magic blue and red cape. And he
became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed
with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.
This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in
kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked
Ray his name.
"Superman," he answered politely and without hesitation.
The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked
again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman."
Realising the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide
amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a stern voice
said, "I will have to have your real name for my records."
Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes
around the room, hunched closer to her, and answered in a voice hushed with
conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
re: Jokes
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old
man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, Orange,
and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your Life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
man watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, Orange,
and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your Life?"
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
re: Jokes
At the Doctor, she asks:
- Doc, is it true that anal sex may cause pregnance?
- Yes... yes, and of the most dangerous kind of pregnance...
- Oh, no... Doc... tell me...
- Dear, how do you think that all politicians are born?
- Doc, is it true that anal sex may cause pregnance?
- Yes... yes, and of the most dangerous kind of pregnance...
- Oh, no... Doc... tell me...
- Dear, how do you think that all politicians are born?
re: Jokes
There was this girl who wanted to get home but didn't have enough for the taxi fare home, so she got in the taxi anyway, When she reached her destination, she opened her legs up and said 'would you accept this as payment?' The Taxi Driver then said 'Do you have anything smaller.'
re: Jokes
Esther and her husband Morris went to the seaside every year, and every
year Esther would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say,
"Morris, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Morris always replied,
"I know Esther, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
One year Esther said,
"Morris, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Morris replied,
"Esther that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't
charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Esther and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed!"
Esther replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Morris fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."
year Esther would watch the helicopter giving pleasure flights and say,
"Morris, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Morris always replied,
"I know Esther, but that helicopter ride is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
One year Esther said,
"Morris, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Morris replied,
"Esther that helicopter is fifty quid, and fifty quid is fifty quid."
The pilot happened to be walking by and overheard the couple and said,
"Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't
charge you!
But if you say one word, it's fifty quid."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Esther and said,
"By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't. I'm impressed!"
Esther replied,
"Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Morris fell out, but you know, fifty quid is fifty quid."
re: Jokes
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:
YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!
Pinocchio and Splinters
spacer
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
spacer
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem.
"Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?"
"Have you tried sandpaper?" Pinocchio hadn't, so he went to try it.
"Pinnochio," said Gepetto a few weeks later. "How is the problem work out with your
"Girlfriend?" said Pinnochio. "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
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MrTim
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re: Jokes
Look closely....
"....the mechanism is so simple that even a wheel may be too small to contain it...."
"Sometimes the harder you look the better it hides." - Dilbert's garbageman