Jokes

[DrWhat]

Your reflection?

[rlortie]

DrWhat,

Your reflection? I am not so sure that is the correct answer, I will cheat and use that answer for another Age Old Riddle.

Brothers and Sisters, I have none, yet that man there is my fathers son?

Ralph

[Michael]

Luigi (father): 'I want you to marry a girl of my choice.'
Son: 'I will choose my own bride!!!'
Luigi: 'But the girl is Bill Gates' daughter..'
Son: 'Well, in that case . . . ok'

Next Luigi approaches Bill Gates.
Luigi: 'I have a husband for your daughter...'
Bill Gates: 'But my daughter is too young to marry!!'
Luigi: 'But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank'
Bill Gates: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

Finally Luigi goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Luigi: 'I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.'
President: 'But I already have more vice-presidents than I need!'
Luigi : 'But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law.'
President: 'Ah, in that case . . . ok'

And that, my friends, is how Italians do business.

[Gregory]

hhmm... Now I think I learnt something from Italians! Great!

[AB Hammer]

@Michael

That was good! Why couldn't most parents have been that smart?? LOL

[rlortie]

Colonoscopies

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his
patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous.....

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly ! going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all..

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

[Michael]

Two buddies, Bob and Larry, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Larry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!"
Bob says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Larry stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! MyGod, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Larry says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor He said hes was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks.."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."

[mickegg]

Mary decided to become a nun.

She approached the local convent and was accepted by mother superior
who informed her that it was a silent order.

Mary settled in..........time passed.

After 5 years she was called to mother superior's office.
"You have been here for 5 years sister Mary, you are permitted to say two words"
"Hard bed" said Mary
"I'm sorry, we'll find a softer one for you" said mother superior.


Time passed..................


Again she was called to the office.
"You have been here for 10 years sister Mary, you are permitted to say two words"
"Cold food" said Mary
"I'm sorry, we'll see if we can improve your meals" said mother superior.

Time passed..............................

Again she was called to the office.
"You have now been here for 15 years sister Mary, you are permitted to say two words"

"I quit" said Mary

"Oh", said mother superior," but perhaps its for the best................... you've done nothing
but complain ever since you arrived"

[mickegg]

..and there's more

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on an aeroplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[rlortie]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey , Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white
bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said..... "Good trade".

[murilo]

My wife says that the Navajo woman words are not a joke!
I mean... I don't know what she means... :]
I'm a little confused...
M. SP june/21th

[rlortie]

Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blond sisters had promised their Uncle, who had
been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blonds kept their
promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched
up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles
says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the
side and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'.


So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think
were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.


'So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'

[trevie]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It
was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?'
I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said,
'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
-------------------

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
--------------------------
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my
hand.'
--------------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said
'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke
said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
----------------------------

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary
work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is
for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me
on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything.'
----------------------------

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'
I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant
Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman
Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------

[murilo]

........!?
Hey, you guys... the end is arrived... nor a single millimeter more to decay...
I have a proposition...
After this series above, let's open a new ''Jokes'' thread and we'll put a moderator in charge, ok?
Trevie is not elegible for the moderation.
Woooch!!!....
:)

[rlortie]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'