Jokes

[WaltzCee]

A teacher in Elmira , New York asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans. Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he had decided to be different...again. Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not an Obama fan.

The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you an Obama fan?' Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Republican. The teacher asked him why he was a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's Republican, so I'm a Republican.

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me an Obama fan.

[DrWhat]

Hmmm...

[John Collins]

Sorry to lower the tone guys....

The Day The Penis Asked for a raise,

I hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons;
I do physical labour,
I work at great depths,
I dont get weekends or public holidays off,
I work in a damp environment,
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation,
I work in high temperatures, and my work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely

P.Niss


Response:

Dear P.Niss

After assessing your request & considering the arguments you have raised,we reject your request for the following reasons:

You dont work 8hrs straight,
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You dont take the initiative,
You need to be pressured & stimulated into starting work,
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift,
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations such as wearing correct protective clothing,
You're unable 2 work double shifts & as if that wasnt all,
You constantly enter the workplace carryin 2 suspicious bags!

Yours sincerely V.Gina.

JC

[murilo]

A Lesson of Living

As some of you guys will know - even those who are not users - the business of drugs is very organized, with proper rules, laws and uses.

They are very straight and the big difference is that they have the lawyers at the right side.

This means, if they have to punish there will be no one deffender.

This story passes at Djalmaum's hut. He's the large, long, strong and dirty arm of a drug gang... he's the gang's executioner!

Djalmaum is at home, lazzy, just sharping his large knife, almost a sword.

The door opens and two ''soldiers'' bring a tied and beated young man.

One said, before to come out:

- ''Mr. Djalmaum... the boss wants that you screw this guy's asshole, because he's very uneducated!''

That poor guy trembles at a corner and says: ''Mr. Djalmum... please... don't do this to me... if you screw me, it will be the end of my life... please, Mr Djalmaum... let's negociate,,, I'm completely virgin on buttok, Mr... I'll never to be the same again...''

''You just stay quiet... I'll take care of your case very soon... no deal...''

The door opens again, and the same two guys bring ''another job'':

''Mr Djaumaum... hi... the boss says to cut the balls and take out the eyes of this guy... put the balls in his mouth and the eyes inside his ass... after this, kill him as a pig... he must learn to respect the girls of our gang... no amnestesy!''

Five minutes later: ''Mr. Djalmaum... here is another one... the boss ask you to tie him together a large truck tire and burn... He must learn to not talk to police people... he must learn to take care and keep mouth shut... no amnestesy, please, Mr.!''

Later on, one more job: ''Mr Djalmaum... the boss says to, please, slice this guy alived and to send his parts to his family... since he must learn to pay his acounts... he has to learn to pay... again... no amnestesy.''

At this point, the first guy, still at his corner says, sweetly: ''Mr. Djalmaum... Mr Djalmaaaaum... pleeeease... soooorry... just to help you a little... just to help you to organize your job... just in case... you just have to remember... I am that guy of the asshole... OK? Remember? Just the ass... Have you amnestesy?''

Moral: some times it is very confortable to know about the troubles of other people!

[rlortie]

I've often been asked, 'What do you folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...When I am not chasing the legend of Bessler, I'm fortunate to have a friend who has a chemical engineering background, and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, wine, rum, and whiskey into urine.

And, we're pretty damn good at it too!!

[rlortie]

DON'T MESS WITH FARM KIDS





A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.



'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow, and when he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.'

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'You going to tell him or should I?'

[rlortie]

This morning I decided to start my version of Bessler's Meresburg wheel, without thinking I forgot to remove the tie down to the floor.

A little remodeling to my house has rectified the problem!

[rlortie]

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place, was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... He was screwed.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery.... And the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:

'Don't screw around with things you don't understand........ You could lose your butt.'

[murilo]

Two short cases:

= The shortest ''love story'':
The guy asks the girl:
- Do you marry me?
She responds:
- No... Nope...
They didn't get married...
... and the guy went fishing, hunting, to prostibules, drunk bier at large and became happy...

= The modern indian comes to the lawyer:
- I want to change my name!
- Which is your name?
- My name is ''Great-White-Cloud-That-Takes-Good-News-All-Over-the-
Lands.''
- Which is the new one?
- ''E-Mail''.

[John Collins]

From my daughter!

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed "God give me the strength to cross the river".
Wham! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed "God please give me the strength and tools to cross the river".
Wham! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river".

Wham! God turned him into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

The moral of the story - if at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!

[rlortie]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, near
Allendale, MO, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and
crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and
asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'So they were all dead, eh?'

The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them bastards lie.

[rlortie]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....I'M GETTING A FAX!!

[graham]

Gravity in action !! No two falls are the same.

When he gets stuck, "left click" and drag him free.

http://www.planetdan.net/pics/misc/georgerag.swf

Graham

[rlortie]

If you hold any of the following stocks, you may want to review: American Can Co., Interstate Water Co., National Gas Co., Northern Tissue Co.

Due to the uncertain market conditions at this present time, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today and millions were wiped clean.

[mickegg]

Did you see the japanese financial version Ralph?

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on HBOS in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.


Regards

Mick