Jokes

[Fletcher]

Actually, they were black men & the artist was having a bit of fun - these guys were so pore that they donated their bodies to science before they were dead - one of them needed money & had an experimental organ transplant but the surgeon performing the operation was colour blind - the guy noticed that a post operative side effect was that his hands grew larger - the doc is looking forward to his own op.

[Michael]

As Picasso said, the modern art world is a con job.

[nicbordeaux]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes - caffeine."

"Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says,"Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00AM - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.,
why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[murilo]

Little John is one of our well known guys in this thread.

In class the teacherin - teacher in female gender, I guess - says that she was going to make an experiment and a moral conclusion should appear from the observation of that small people.

She took two glasses and displayed over the table.

In one she put water and in other beer.

Inside each she put an alive worm and...

... in water, the worm keeps swimming strongly and happily...

... in beer the poor worm died almost instantly!!!

She asks for a feed-back and there comes Little John with his very moral conclusion:

''Teacherin, this experiment shows me that if I drink much beer I'll never suffer with tapeworms! Great!''

[rlortie]

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred.'

[Ben]

I checked myself into a hotel in Lafayette, Louisiana. I walked in an tol' the deskclerk, "I got me a reserve here. My name is W H I T E. Pronunce dat Leblanc." So he reach down to the register-flip,flip,flip,flip,flip, and I say "Slow you self down, cause how you gonna look dat fas'?" So he say ok here it is, sign right here. So I reach down to sign my name, and the biggest bedbug what I ever saw in my life walk right across my hand, and I say, "Mister, I been bit by the spider in Shreveport, I been bled by the mosquito in New Orleon, and I been stung by the wasp in Baton Rouge, but that's the first time in my life I ever had a bedbug to look up my room number, I guarontee!

[Ben]

oops

[nicbordeaux]

When I were a boy, Momma would sent me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, cigarettes, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs. You can't do that now - too many security cameras.

[Mark]

A blind man walks into a shop with a guide dog.
He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind man. "Just looking."

[rlortie]

Three mischievous old Grandmas were
sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out

saying, 'We bet we can tell exactly how
old you are.'

The old man said, 'There is no way you
can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure
we can! Just drop your pants and
under shorts and we can tell your
exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious
to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped
his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn
around a couple of times and to jump
up and down several times. Then they
all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around
his ankles, the old gent asked, 'How in
the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from
ear to ear, the three old ladies happily
yelled in unison - - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

[DrWhat]

SORRY ABOUT THE >

> The Way Children See Things!
> (some oldies, some new)
>
>
> NUDITY
> When I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
>evening, a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
>was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
>shout from the back seat, " Mum! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
>
>
> HONESTY
> My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me
>he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw
>it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran
>to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said
>with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then,
>'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
>
>
> OPINION S
> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
>note from his mother.
> The note read, " The opinions expressed by this child are not
>necessarily those of his parents."
>
>
> KETCHUP
> A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce to come out of
>the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old
>daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mummy," the child said
>to her mother. Then she added, " Mummy can't come to the phone to talk
>to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
>
>
> MORE NUDITY
> A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
>women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks,
>with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy
>watched in amazement and then asked, " What's the matter haven't you
>ever seen a little boy before?"
>
>
> ELDERLY
> While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to
>elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
>rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes,
>walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her
>staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
>for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
>whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
>
>
> DRESS-UP
> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
>she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't
>wear that suit."
> "And why not, darling?"
> "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
>"
>
>
> SCHOOL
> A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm
>just wasting my time," she said to her mother. " I can't read, I can't
>write and they won't let me talk!"
>
>
> BIBLE
> A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
>he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
>Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old
>leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I
>found," the boy called out.
> "What have you got there, dear?"
> With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I
>think it's Adam's underwear!"

[nicbordeaux]

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."




There are a few lessons for us here:



Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

[rlortie]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home, is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. (you know what I mean).

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!

[Ed]

The thought of "them not hanging wright" made me, Ralph!

[Michael]

A bored kangaroo.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTcSi7c06oc