Rlortie,
at some 5 years circulated here a joke very similar to this one, except by the end concept.
At the end, the guy says: ''well... what else to do? Now we just can go to the worse... At least with the prostitutes we can fabricate a real local product... politicians...''
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
*rude*
How do you know if your woman really loves you?
Cause when you put your hand down her pants, it feels like your feeding a horse!
How do you know if your woman really loves you?
Cause when you put your hand down her pants, it feels like your feeding a horse!
HeathenForce- http://www.ultragod.com/
re: Jokes
From Maxine!
BAIL'EM OUT!!! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!"
"What the Hell are we thinking?"
re: Jokes
Saw sonogram pictures of my eighth grandchild, one of which had his maleness on display, and was reminded of a story.
A young mother was bathing her 2 year-old son when the boy pointed to his testicles and said, "Mommie, are these my brains?"
"Not yet, son" she replied, "Not yet."
A young mother was bathing her 2 year-old son when the boy pointed to his testicles and said, "Mommie, are these my brains?"
"Not yet, son" she replied, "Not yet."
Love it quick. You ain't gonna have it long.
re: Jokes
Ok,
A rabbi retires after 40 years in the industry, while cleaning out his office, he comes accros a large bag filled with all of the foreskins he had ever cut. Unable to dispose of it, he took the bag to the taxidermist, and asked;
"Can you do anything with this?"
The taxidermist replies;
"No problem, come back in two weeks"
The rabbi returns in two weeks, at which time the taxidermist hands him a finely crafted wallet, made entirely of foreskins.
The rabbi says ungratefully;
"is this the best you can do?"
The taxidermist retorts;
"Well no...just rub it a few times and it will turn into a suitcase"
A rabbi retires after 40 years in the industry, while cleaning out his office, he comes accros a large bag filled with all of the foreskins he had ever cut. Unable to dispose of it, he took the bag to the taxidermist, and asked;
"Can you do anything with this?"
The taxidermist replies;
"No problem, come back in two weeks"
The rabbi returns in two weeks, at which time the taxidermist hands him a finely crafted wallet, made entirely of foreskins.
The rabbi says ungratefully;
"is this the best you can do?"
The taxidermist retorts;
"Well no...just rub it a few times and it will turn into a suitcase"
HeathenForce- http://www.ultragod.com/
re: Jokes
I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday....minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.
A carload of young, loud antagonist shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.
The light changed, they shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..
A carload of young, loud antagonist shouting anti American slogans stopped next to me.
The light changed, they shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.
Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding through and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"
So, today... bright and early, I went out and got me a job as a truck driver..
-
daanopperman
- Devotee
- Posts: 1548
- Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:43 pm
re: Jokes
This old man and his wife were going home in their old pickup after a holiday at a seaside motel . On their way on some God-forsaken road they came across a hitch hiker when the old man asked in a raised voice "Shall we give him a ride " . The old women replied in a raised voice , "Yes , give him a lift ". The old man stopped next to the lad and asked him where he was going . The kid said he was going to this town . The old man instructed the lad to load his stuff on the back and hop in next to the wife up front .The old lady asked in a raised voice "What is he saying " The old man replied in a raised voice "He say he is going to this town ". After a couple of miles the old man asked the kid where he came from , the kid said he was holidaying /surfing at the sea.
The old lady asked " What is he saying " , again in a raised voice .The old man replied in a raised voice " He say he was on holiday at the beach ".
After a while the young chap asked the old man where they came from .The old man named a town and the chap said he had the worst f--k of his life in this town . The old lady asked in a raised voice "what is he saying ", the old man replied in a raised voice "He say's he knows you "..[/b]
The old lady asked " What is he saying " , again in a raised voice .The old man replied in a raised voice " He say he was on holiday at the beach ".
After a while the young chap asked the old man where they came from .The old man named a town and the chap said he had the worst f--k of his life in this town . The old lady asked in a raised voice "what is he saying ", the old man replied in a raised voice "He say's he knows you "..[/b]
re: Jokes
Church Ladies
With typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals..
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
With typewriters.
They're Back!
Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals..
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.
The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help .
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs .
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
"Our education can be the limitation to our imagination, and our dreams"
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
So With out a dream, there is no vision.
Old and future wheel videos
https://www.youtube.com/user/ABthehammer/videos
Alan
-
nicbordeaux
- Addict
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
To the citizens of the United States of America from
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially
manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect
incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint
a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also
acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds
of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the
New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators)
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
------------------
God Save the Queen!
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your immediate failure to financially
manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect
incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint
a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such
as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the
suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look
up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed
with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable
and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S.
English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated
letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns
should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready
to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same
time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also
acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting
nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds
of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the
New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn
cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators)
first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
------------------
God Save the Queen!
re: Jokes
Well thank God for a few things!
I can still call the center 'center' without changing it to 'centre', the hood of my car is still a hood and not a bonnet. The trunk shall remain the trunk and not the Boot.
A baby carriage is still a carriage and not a perambulator, which is good because it doe not perambulate on its own interior force. New Zealand can keep the phrase 'Bloody blooming' and all can hail Pip pip and cheerio!
But never fear! it is not cost effective to ship Pound Sterling to America, the conversion rate of 1.5729 wont pay for the import duty.
Ralph
I can still call the center 'center' without changing it to 'centre', the hood of my car is still a hood and not a bonnet. The trunk shall remain the trunk and not the Boot.
A baby carriage is still a carriage and not a perambulator, which is good because it doe not perambulate on its own interior force. New Zealand can keep the phrase 'Bloody blooming' and all can hail Pip pip and cheerio!
But never fear! it is not cost effective to ship Pound Sterling to America, the conversion rate of 1.5729 wont pay for the import duty.
Ralph
-
nicbordeaux
- Addict
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
To the best extent of my knowledge, no. It could be that France is deemed to be rather like Kansas, wherever that is in South America. Or there may be a plan for the French to claim back Canada, and Alaska. Geoplitics ain't my forte.
That said, buying Greece for a few quid may be a worthwile long term investment, they have a lot of olive trees and some quite valuable architecture.
That said, buying Greece for a few quid may be a worthwile long term investment, they have a lot of olive trees and some quite valuable architecture.
Nicborjeaulais,nicbordeaux wrote:To the best extent of my knowledge, no. It could be that France is deemed to be rather like Kansas, wherever that is in South America. Or there may be a plan for the French to claim back Canada, and Alaska. Geoplitics ain't my forte.
That said, buying Greece for a few quid may be a worthwile long term investment, they have a lot of olive trees and some quite valuable architecture.
I'm not sure if, when and what for are you getting candidate...
Anyhow, be sure, you'll absolutely conquest my vote! 8[
Take care!
Muliro