A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked,
"What man here will buy a woman a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked,
"What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
"Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any women who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"
Jokes
Moderator: scott
re: Jokes
.
The Expert Linguist was lecturing :
“There are examples in all languages where two negatives are put together to make a positive statement , but oddly in no case does any language ever put together two positives to make a negative statement “
The Mutterer from the back of the hall :
“ yeah , sure �
The Expert Linguist was lecturing :
“There are examples in all languages where two negatives are put together to make a positive statement , but oddly in no case does any language ever put together two positives to make a negative statement “
The Mutterer from the back of the hall :
“ yeah , sure �
Have had the solution to Bessler's Wheel approximately monthly for over 30 years ! But next month is "The One" !
re: Jokes
Subject: 22 caliber and hiking in bear country
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law on Raspberry Island near Kodiak . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe...
On Bud's Gun Shop Forums the question came up: What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. Over all the years I've been hiking I never leave without it in my pocket. Of course we all know too the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". For those of you who may be unfamiliar with this it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend or companion, even an in-law, that way if something happens there is someone to go get help.
I remember one time hiking with my brother-in-law on Raspberry Island near Kodiak . Out of nowhere came this huge brown bear and man was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.
Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I'd sure not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.
That's one of the best pistols in my safe...
re: Jokes
The Arab and the Scotsman
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
(Apologies to my Scots friends - thank goodness you have a sense of humor!)
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".__
(Apologies to my Scots friends - thank goodness you have a sense of humor!)
re: Jokes
In a train trip an old man was sited front with a punk guy...
The punk was fully produced with metals, tattoos, collars and colors - at least 4 colors in hairs...
The old man just couldn't take the eyes off him...
Suddenly the punk got bored and nervously asked: 'What the heck old man? Nothing else to look at than me?'
Old man says: 'Sorry, kid... very sorry... I was just guessing... just thinking about how many stupid stuffs have I done in the past... you see, once, just for once, I made sex with a macaw... and now I was wondering that you maybe could be my son...'
The punk was fully produced with metals, tattoos, collars and colors - at least 4 colors in hairs...
The old man just couldn't take the eyes off him...
Suddenly the punk got bored and nervously asked: 'What the heck old man? Nothing else to look at than me?'
Old man says: 'Sorry, kid... very sorry... I was just guessing... just thinking about how many stupid stuffs have I done in the past... you see, once, just for once, I made sex with a macaw... and now I was wondering that you maybe could be my son...'
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nicbordeaux
- Addict
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
Ralph is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, after all those beers and that trouble with his prostate. Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, REALLY have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," says the bobby, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"
"No sir," replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... no public restrooms. He really, really has to go, after all those beers and that trouble with his prostate. Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, REALLY have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," says the bobby, "just follow me." He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."
Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"
"No sir," replied the Bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
re: Jokes
For getting release from stress everybody need jokes. For fun women jokes are better than other jokes. These jokes are make more fun. So, share more jokes about women jokes.
re: Jokes
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So, she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store, for men, just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So, she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store, for men, just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Unbalanced
- Aficionado
- Posts: 672
- Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:53 pm
- Location: Bend, OR
re: Jokes
SERIOUS, I'm sorry, but I need to say I'm happy with my little 'owner'!
On last feb/01, 4PM, we reached 43 years married.
I need to say that she - my owner - thanks GOD, is the best PERSON I ever met and that she would deserve someone better than me!
She got the right to fail to me... so positive and oversize is her credit... I trust her even if she doesn't trust me 100%... 8(
FOS, don't think I'm a moron and idiot... much contrary, I'm getting smart... I know well, and from near, all the risks of the game... and yes, I like and understand jokes about!!! 8)))
Take care and don't marry to a stupid girl... get her the most intelligent as possible!
Muliro
On last feb/01, 4PM, we reached 43 years married.
I need to say that she - my owner - thanks GOD, is the best PERSON I ever met and that she would deserve someone better than me!
She got the right to fail to me... so positive and oversize is her credit... I trust her even if she doesn't trust me 100%... 8(
FOS, don't think I'm a moron and idiot... much contrary, I'm getting smart... I know well, and from near, all the risks of the game... and yes, I like and understand jokes about!!! 8)))
Take care and don't marry to a stupid girl... get her the most intelligent as possible!
Muliro
re: Jokes
Doctor!
Pls be more precise!
In the 'next few weeks'?
How beautiful and cute to see a real marriage preference...
You'll be happy for the rest of your lives up to 2013! 8]
Tim - tim...
M
Pls be more precise!
In the 'next few weeks'?
How beautiful and cute to see a real marriage preference...
You'll be happy for the rest of your lives up to 2013! 8]
Tim - tim...
M
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nicbordeaux
- Addict
- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
Damian, congratulations, but if I may, a word of advice : if your fiancée sports a mustache, you might want to check further.DrWhat wrote:I'm getting married for the first time in the next few weeks! And my fiancee loves beer!
What a blessing!
If you think you have an overunity device, think again, there is no such thing. You might just possibly have an unexpectedly efficient device. In which case you will be abducted by MIB and threatened by aliens.
re: Jokes
Damion,
Congrats, but how many times have you been married in the last few weeks?
*********************************************************
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?�
Congrats, but how many times have you been married in the last few weeks?
*********************************************************
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example...
A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a
baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so l let them stay
in our bedroom. Did you say ‘hello’?�
Thanks guys. It is very exciting! She is an awesome lady. 38 years old.
I say the next few weeks because I know all of you will want to turn up to the wedding reception and eat all the food (I would!) so I need to keep the date uncertain :)
My first marriage finally achieved at age 44. So I still have plenty of years to negotiate a good price for my Bessler Wheel! (I wish).
Damian
I say the next few weeks because I know all of you will want to turn up to the wedding reception and eat all the food (I would!) so I need to keep the date uncertain :)
My first marriage finally achieved at age 44. So I still have plenty of years to negotiate a good price for my Bessler Wheel! (I wish).
Damian