Jokes
Moderator: scott
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nicbordeaux
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- Posts: 2140
- Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 2:54 pm
- Location: France
Wow!!! 38??? 44?DrWhat wrote:Thanks guys. It is very exciting! She is an awesome lady. 38 years old.
I say the next few weeks because I know all of you will want to turn up to the wedding reception and eat all the food (I would!) so I need to keep the date uncertain :)
My first marriage finally achieved at age 44. So I still have plenty of years to negotiate a good price for my Bessler Wheel! (I wish).
Damian
I hope that this new girl besides drunk is upgraded intelligent!
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justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2102
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London .
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get
a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for
you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch
it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,
"Why does it have to be this way?"
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?'
One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get
a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for
you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in
it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks
good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch
it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat
in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors,
"Why does it have to be this way?"
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred?
This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?'
. I can assure the reader that there is something special behind the stork's bills.
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justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2102
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw Ralph, an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
. I can assure the reader that there is something special behind the stork's bills.
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justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2102
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER
THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE
WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING
A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK
DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS
HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR
A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES BUT,
BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE
WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING
A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK
DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS
HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR
A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES BUT,
BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
. I can assure the reader that there is something special behind the stork's bills.
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daanopperman
- Devotee
- Posts: 1548
- Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:43 pm
re: Jokes
This alco passed out in the park , a jogger came running passed and saw the guy on the bench , he saw his chance , pulled the drunks pants down and did the unthinkable , before leaving he felt sorry and stuff 50 bucks in the drunk's pants pocket . The drunk woke up and fiddled with his pants and found the money , he went straight to the off sales across the road and told the cassier he wanted a good bottle of whiskey . The cassier asked why , for 10 years every day the drunk bought a bottle of cheap whine every day . This kept on for a whole week . The next morning the drunk came to the cassier and said " Give me a bottle of cheap whine please " . The cassier asked why the cheap whine today , so the drunk replied , " That expensive whiskey makes my ass burn " .
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daanopperman
- Devotee
- Posts: 1548
- Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 7:43 pm
re: Jokes
The Israeli's have developed a new fast acting sleeping pill in the form of a set pill , they say you wake up with your finger up your butt .
re: Jokes
LIVING WILL FORM...
I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If A reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______Vodka Rocks ______a Margarita ____ a Scotch ______ Glass of wine_______ a Bloody Mary ______ a Gin and Tonic _______ a Tee Time ______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______ the remote control ______ a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page______ Sex ______ or Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature:__________________________ Date: _______
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes...
I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If A reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______Vodka Rocks ______a Margarita ____ a Scotch ______ Glass of wine_______ a Bloody Mary ______ a Gin and Tonic _______ a Tee Time ______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______ the remote control ______ a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page______ Sex ______ or Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature:__________________________ Date: _______
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes...
re: Jokes
Four Old Retired Men
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two
martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Oregon . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two
martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Oregon . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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justsomeone
- Addict
- Posts: 2102
- Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 5:21 pm
re: Jokes
The Captain Always Has the Answer
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto "
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this, i'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, first class isn't going to Toronto "
. I can assure the reader that there is something special behind the stork's bills.
Re: re: Jokes
Rlortie,rlortie wrote:LIVING WILL FORM...
I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.
If A reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______Vodka Rocks ______a Margarita ____ a Scotch ______ Glass of wine_______ a Bloody Mary ______ a Gin and Tonic _______ a Tee Time ______ a Steak ______ Lobster or crab legs ______ the remote control ______ a bowl of ice cream ______ the sports page______ Sex ______ or Chocolate, it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better.
When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.
Signature:__________________________ Date: _______
NOTE: I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub.
The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don't even need embalming when their time comes...
at first hand, here is another option for the same kind of question.
For the while, only people of my family know well about a project of mine, that will be soon in market.
I'm talking of patented 'Murilout' or 'Muriloff', a chip that is to be implanted in interested conscious persons that can pay well.
With this implanted chip, at the very first time when a 'strange physiologic potential' come to clean up one's but, some few grams of cyanide will be liberated at an important vein, and... bye, bye, baby... auf Wieder sehen...
hasta jamas... ate' nunca... pas rien...
At moment we are in search for field test guys... 8|
Take care!
M
re: Jokes
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas .
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment....... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for my call."
re: Jokes
Here is old age at its best
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it, and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and lo and behold,
there sat Russ.!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him,
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you.?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.
What in the world for.?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue ,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her.?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park
every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels, and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it, and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week
or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got
together was at the park, Sam didn't know
where Russ lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured
he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,
Sam approached the park and lo and behold,
there sat Russ.!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him,
and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ,
what in the world happened to you.?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam.
What in the world for.?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue ,
that cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her.
What about her.?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court,
I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
re: Jokes
In a train wagon a priest was sited in front o a very drank guy, that was trying hard to read a newspaper.
After a while, the drank asked to to the priest about which could be the causes for arthritis.
He responded: 'this is an evil ill... the causes are several and all full duty... drinking ethanol... eating too fat and too much... bad companion... sleeping late in the night... bad social quality women... excessive sex... drugs and a lot of other underground things and vices...'
(the man astonished listened and became quiet and sad.)
After few minutes the priest asked: 'How long are you, my son, suffering of this arthritis?'
The answer: 'Oh, man... actually not me... but as said in these news, our Vatican Pope is now who is sick will this absurd ill... Wow...'
After a while, the drank asked to to the priest about which could be the causes for arthritis.
He responded: 'this is an evil ill... the causes are several and all full duty... drinking ethanol... eating too fat and too much... bad companion... sleeping late in the night... bad social quality women... excessive sex... drugs and a lot of other underground things and vices...'
(the man astonished listened and became quiet and sad.)
After few minutes the priest asked: 'How long are you, my son, suffering of this arthritis?'
The answer: 'Oh, man... actually not me... but as said in these news, our Vatican Pope is now who is sick will this absurd ill... Wow...'