Jokes

[rlortie]

"Our artists with conviction are our true leaders who haven't yet been elected,
while our elected leaders are true con artists who haven't yet been convicted."
- Chris Toussaint from
who knows where........

New word for the day: ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put
forth by either party in the 2012 election year

[Unbalanced]

''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a Shih Tzu.''

[jim_mich]

shih tzu ?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXCZVmQ74OA

[rlortie]

Subject: Schnauzer


Walmart Pharmacists don't give advice, like the local Druggist.

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so
she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.


The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use
this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body
lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says,
"Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[rlortie]

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do scuba divers always fall
backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord tunderin' Jasus,
you must be stunned as me arse.

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the frickin boat!"

[murilo]

A woman was in her very first contact to ask for divorce.

The officer asked about the reasons for divorce and she said:

'We have a super similar preferences in our daily life and this bodes me.'

'Wow??? Too similar preferences? Tell me exactly...'

'You see... I like soccer and he likes too... I like TV watching, him too... I like barbecues in yard, him too... I love shopping he loves too...'

'But... but... what the hell??'

... I like man and he loves them too... and how...'

[murilo]

( just for the boys... )

I guess that people in every country collect stories about the famous 'Little Johnny', which is a hard smart low level little boy, and here is he again!

The poor mother in a new try is taking him to a very best psychologist doctor, looking for help - kind of last hope!

There the doctor shows him a small book that should make him express his personality and behavior, at his level in 7 years kid!

First page: full and wide green page and doc asks for his thoughts.

'Green... oh... I can see a large green grass with a lot of naked women over it...' (doc got scared.)

Second page: full wide black page...

'Black... well... black... I see a great vagina full of hairs all around...' (doc got super scared)

At the third page, which was full red, he said to see many liters of spread menstruation... and doc got really mad and cry to him:

'Look kid, your mama asked me and I'll try to help you... she'll expend a huge money on this... and please... please... let me do my job... OK?'

Little Johnny heard to that and asked him:

'Doc, please, I have a question... do you know why the feces of a man turn at left and those from women turn at right? Do you know this? Hmmm? Hmmm?'

Doc, for now, got absolutely mad and trembling said: 'NO... NO... I don't know and what is the point little stupid?'

He said: 'The only thing I know is that you don't know anything even about shits and you'll be not helpful to me...' and started to run and cry for his mother... a real mess in that doc office!

After some minutes, the scene is this: little Johnny is calmly leaving the room by the hand of mom and he sees to another little boy seated waiting for exam ...

Very happy, he loud to that boy telling him: 'Dude... dude... don't forget to ask doctor to show you the huge pornography book he has!'

[rlortie]

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you!" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

[Unbalanced]

The secret of success is sincerity; once you can fake that you've got it made.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

A Dyslexic walks into a bra.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If you're always right, something's wrong.

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.


If there was a bi-sexual pride parade, would it go both ways?

Why isn't there a tax on stuff I don't like?

The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!

Don't argue with an idiot! People watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wise guy' opposites?

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

On the other hand, Rome was burnt in a day.

If you think the problem is bad now, 
just wait until we've solved it.

Mind over matter... if you don't mind it doesn't matter.

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.

Why did god give women nipples? To make suckers out of men.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

If your parents didn't have children 
chances are you won't either.

[murilo]

'Mommy... mommy... oh, mommy... The kids at school are bullying me so much... mommy... all day long...'

'Oh... dear... tell mommy what they do, dear...'

'Mommy they told that me and my family are guys from Mafia, mommy...'

'Don't worry, darling... don't worry... tomorrow your mom will take care of the situation... ok?'

'Oh, mom... so good... but please make it look as an accident, ok?'

[murilo]

Here I come to bring you an absolutely new 'case' of that famous 'hero' little Johnny, 7, the terrorist kid! (sorry for my english limitations.)

The house is almost empty, with only grandma and Johnny...

... total and abnormal silence and grandma starts to look for J...

... there he is, silent, at a corner, eating all possible remedies kept together in a large drawer!

( I'll be very short and your imagination will be required.)

The grand start immediately to crowd out about the possible effects of that mega-child-self-medication...

... and J tries justification saying that he just wanted to piss green or blue and that he did this for several times...

Grand keeps nervous and using fear strategies to convince that little devil, and she says he'll never be the same... same macho as dad and uncles... because part of remedies was feminine hormones ... and bla... bla... bla... and he'll stay something not-macho and eider girl... he'll be deformed by hormones...

After a while, that poor 7 kid is convinced about consequences of his acts and conformed, he starts to philosophy: 'Well... what to do... but at least, in this case, I chose to have also a huge and nice clitoris...'

In last March/27, passed away the guy that was the most sharp and clever mind in my country - Millor Fernandes, see below - and as an homage to him, I made and spread this ingenuous joke!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mill%C3%B4r_Fernandes

[Mark]

Curly goes to an agency in Manhattan and asks if they have any jobs.
"Sure," replies the interviewer, "I've got a primo job available, working in a strip club. What you would have to do is help the girls undress and dress, oil them and all that sort of stuff."
"Sounds great", says Curly.
"Good, can you get to Brooklyn by 9:00 a.m. tomorrow?"
"Why, is that where the job is?"
"No, that's where the line starts."

[jim_mich]

Red Green Show - Perpetual Motion Machine

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfQ3FL0MRXQ

[getterdone]

I didn't even know you had a TV show Jim

[Mark]

Nice one, Jim. Thanks.