Jokes

[rasselasss]

A man and wife move into a semi-detached house and the wife say's she wants the hall,stairs and landing walls , wallpapered same as the identical house next door.So to save time he asks the neighbour how many rolls of wallpaper he bought and he replied 17 rolls.....After he had finished papering he had 5 rolls unused left over.......He rushed next door and said i've 5 rolls unused left over and the neighbour said ....so had i ...

[daxwc]

If you ate pasta then antipasti; would you still gain weight ?

[daxwc]

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle. "Where did you get the bike from?" his friends asked. "It's a `thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: `You can get from me whatever you desire!'" One of his friends’ remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle." "Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes!"

[murilo]

This is the dialogue I heard between a brave pirate and a man he met.

The man starts asking:
'Wow... your missing leg... how did you lost it?'

'Man... it was in combat... my leg was just in-between two ships... smashed... totally smashed in the moment of an attack!'

'Wow... and your hand... how you lost it? I see you use a hook...'

'Man... I was suffocating a victim with my hand... in combat... but a man of my gang came with a sword and... bang... cut out victim's head and my hand flew out together... Then I started to use this stupid hook!'

'Oh, man! And the eye... I see you use a black tap... how you lost this eye?'

'My eye? I lost it with a little bird's shit straight on it!'

'Wow... A little bird shit? How could this be possible?'

'Well... that was my first day with this stupid hook...'

[rlortie]

The Roman Catholic Confession:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later

so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[helloha]

A: human as an energy source, besides solar, thermal, wind, water, unlimited but unstable.

B: bullshit...
C: rubbish...
D: go back to school...
E: relearn your physics...
F: stupid...
G: ....
H: ....
...
...

A: unstable, see my point.

[rlortie]

Subject: STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM


Just a laugh or two.

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

I would have given him 100%

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[terry5732]

Q1 is iffy

Maybe not 100%

[rlortie]

A salesman was traveling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer."Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my pasture buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get everyone in the county to buy a case......we will make you rich."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.

The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a tree.

Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield.

Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.

Yet he was a total wreck!

Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed.

"Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, .......

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?

[jim_mich]

That is funny. That poor salesman!
It's not just the drinking. There is a lot of nose bunting also.
I grew up on a farm. This video shows how calves typically drink...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Otcn1k1Aq5M
Oh, and calves tongues are rougher than sandpaper.

[getterdone]

.... and that's why they invented the milking machine

[rlortie]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.Well some of us are hung up in the shop chasing perpetual motion wheels, but even that calls for a break once in a while.

For example, the other day, Paul and I went into town and visited a hardware store for more building materials.

When we came out, there was a police officer writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and Paul said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “asshole�. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Paul called him a “shit head�. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[rlortie]

Bessler forum logic:



Two forum members, Larry and Doug, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.

Larry turns to Doug and says, ' You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education.
Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes. '

Doug thinks it's a good idea and the two leave.

The next day, Larry goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes:

Math, English, history, and Logic.

' Logic? ' Larry says. ' What's that? '

The dean says, ' I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater? '

' Yeah. '

' Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard. '

' That's true, I do have a yard. '

' I'm not done, ' the dean says. ' Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house. '

' Yes, I do have a house. '

' And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.

' Yes, I have a family.

' I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife,

then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual. '

' I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater. '

Excited to take the class now, Larry shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Doug at the bar. He tells

Doug about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

' Logic? ' Doug says, ' What's that? '

Larry says, ' I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater? '

' No. '

' Then you're a queer. '

[justsomeone]

LOL Ralph. That was funny.

[rlortie]

Subject:Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one
carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will
get it the first time. My work here is done.