From Ralph

[Michael]

This is hilarious.

http://www.frontiernet.net/~jlbeam/spec ... e/life.htm

Edit, turn your speakers on.

[ken_behrendt]

My favorite was:

"I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think."


ken

[meagain]

Hi

that was a gem tremendous have passed it on to friends and relatives

thanks it put a smile on my face and made my day a better one

Meagain

[rlortie]

Subject: History Lesson

Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer & would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The 2 most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into 2
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around
waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into
women. The rest became known as 'girliemen.'

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,
most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.

Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter
rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, Marines, athletes and generally anyone
who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe
Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of
trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to respond
to the above before simply laughing and forwarding it. A Conservative
will be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it
will be forwarded immediately to other "true believers".

Ralph Lortie

Stanfield, Oregon

[AgingYoung]

Man did that history lesson ring true but you didn't describe the compassionate nature of both liberals and conservatives. If a conservative is feeling compassionate they'll reach for their wallet and pitch in. If a liberal is feeling compassionate they'll reach for a conservative's wallet and pitch in.

Gene

[Fletcher]

Recently sent to me by Tinhead. Re; how consuming beer not only shaped history, society, politics & economics but led to accelerated intellectual development of mankind.



P.S. something to consider ...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.



Cheers ....

Rainer

[coylo]

Soooo, you wanna see something funny, check this out..........

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/buttrocket.html

Trust me, its nothing sexual, and everyone lives at the end!

[ken_behrendt]

Fletcher wrote:

Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

Wouldn't the fastest brain cells have the highest metabolic rate and therefore absorb more alcohol faster? If that is the case, then excess booze would tend, over time, to make one stupider. Supposedly, chronic alcoholics suffer all kinds of neurological, cognitive, and memory problems. There was even a study done in England a couple of years ago that showed excess beer intake cause shrinkage of the testicles and a premature drop in serum testosterone levels!

That's why I stay light-years away from booze...I do not want to wind up as a brain damaged eunuch!


ken

[rlortie]

The above post regarding the buffalo was made popular by the post office employee in the TV series "Cheers" It was his reasoning to have a few beers after work.

Ralph

[Fletcher]

You don't say Ken. So excess alcohol will shrink your brain, your nether regions, your wallet, your circle of female friends & give you a stupid vacant look like you're missing a chromosome. Fortunately moderate consumption enhances your sense of humour.

[james kelly]

HEAR,HEAR!

[ken_behrendt]

I agree that small daily amounts of certain alcoholic beverages do have some benefits. A glass of wine per day seems to offer cardio protective benefits and I think I read that beer is high in anti-oxidants.

The problem I have noticed, however, is that most alcoholics very quickly kid themselves into thinking that their daily consumption is "moderate" when, in fact, it is excessive.

How can one tell if one is an alcoholic? Very simple. Try going without the "daily" intake of booze for a period of two weeks. IF one can do it then I would agree that he is not an alcoholic and is "moderately" consuming the substance. IF he can not, then, whether he wants to admit it or not, he has a real problem and, over time, will be damaging his health with the consumption.

In the past, I attended several AA meetings and heard many new members stand up in front of a crowd to do one of the toughest things a person with a drinking problem can do: say "My name is X, and I am an alcoholic".


ken

[Vic Hays]

It is not the alcohol in wine that gives the benefits, but substances that can be gotten by drinking fresh grape juice. Alcohol is pretty detrimental. It causes the red blood cells to stick together so that they have a hard time going through the tiny capillaries. Thus the buzz from alcohol can be achieved by going to high altitude without an oxygen mask. It is the result of oxygen deprivation.

[ken_behrendt]

Vic...

I think you are quite right. It is not the alcohol but the various pigments in wine and the hops in beer that have protective substances in them. I heard one doctor on television that said he did gastrointestinal surgery and noticed that even people who only drank a few ounces of alcoholic beverages per day had the beginnings of fatty "degeneration" of the liver. The liver is the body's largest gland and vital to detoxifying harmful substances in the blood (including alcohol!). Why would anybody want to risk damaging it?

ken

[AgingYoung]

Hello. My name is Gene and I'm addicted to motion. Specifically perpetual motion.